Khel Kismat Ka

There is a very popular saying in Hindi:

"Samay se pehle, aur
Kismet se zyaada kissi ko nahin milta" 

And while I am trying to be positive about things in life after the incident yesterday, I would really like some divine intervention. So a colleague got confirmed at the number 1 law firm in the country. And the entire process of how he got it is nothing more than divine intervention. So some random senior to whom he had cribbed about in his position in his previous job recommended his name and then he got a call from there and he was hired. Just like that. In three days. 

Me on the other hand have been trying to break into the whole top tier law firm scene from like 5 years now and NOTHING seems to work. No calls out of the blue, despite the networks and me being so good at keeping in touch. 

No nothing. 

Not even a single interview call forget a fucking job offer. 

It's like this is not in my destiny. I mean- as of now I just don't know what my career destiny is. I am trying not to panics and I am trying to be patient and positive. 

I however- can't see any signs. I can't see anything right now. But, I know that I am trying like hell. 

There is after all another saying in Hindi: 

"Kehte hain kismet haathon Ki lakeeron mein hoti hai; 

Par kismet toh unki bhi hoti hai jinke haath nahin hote." 

Where is the light at the end of the Tunnel?

The silver lining on the dark clouds?

There seems to be no end to my career woes.

I have become nothing more than a glorified secretary to the partner in the Law Firm that I am working in. I am doing nothing. NOTHING legal.
I am following up with Clients, doing BD. Taking care of the administration and wondering each day as to what the hell have I gotten myself into.

I have just been made to realise that I can't fucking draft a legal notice, let alone take care of any legal work. I am at the MOST LOW ever in my life and I am fighting the urge to go and shout at the bosses saying that, THIS IS IT. I don't think that I can do this any more.

I don't care whether the dam peon can serve tea or not, or the driver is there to take you to place that is 50 mtrs away from the office.
I don't care if the office is being cleaned on Sunday and who is cleaning it. And NO, I do not want to identify anyone who will take care of the general house keeping of the office.

This is NOT ME.

I am working two jobs (yes, I am also doing free lance work,so that I can substantiate the income that we are earning), but still a trip to home on my Birthday is a BIG NO from the Husband.

I am feeling suffocated. I feel like this is a vicious circle that seems never ending. I can't seem to breathe.
And one of these I'll drown in my own miseries without the world even knowing, because to the world I will have a mask.

FindMucked

Totally.
This was supposed to be a detailed whiny post about how my life has just reached the pinnacle of disorder, but then I have myself not been able to come to terms with it, so there is a constant churning in my head. About a lot of thoughts and things and what nots.
So instead of writing a long subjective post on "WHY ME".. I am putting a set of bullet points. And in an honest to God statement, I really hope that when a couple of years down the line when I look back at this particular post then I am able to reflect and say.. "Really, was it this bad or was I just imagining it.. to be this bad". So here goes nothing:

• The JOB Scene: I am slowly losing my mind. I am lawyer. I have become a "glorified secretary" to the boss. I was supposed to replace her vis a vis the micromanagement of the firm along with doing legal work. The fact of the matter is that there is NO legal work for me to do. I am rotting away writing BD letters to some random people. Money is not much and being "old", the mindset of control doesn't go away. The ONLY good thing is that, the other lawyers are good and decent people. But- NO. This is not what I was expecting. I am cringing and hoping to land a proper legal job somewhere.. IT JUST AINT HAPPENING. 

• Personal Scene: Husband and I fight. Like all couples do. But our conversations and fights are becoming the same ol stuff that we fight about. It is all about the money, honey. We both are slightly flustered about not being able to travel as much as we would like to.. but mostly, I miss him. I feel that since we have moved into the new place, we really haven't talked. Haven't spent as much time as I would like. No silent walks, or just being in each other's arms .. it has just been hardly seeing and being with each other. 

• Weight Issues: So, I have never really had any issues vis a vis my image and the weight. I mean I do look at my school pictures and realise that I was plump. But things have gotten out of hand of late. I can hardly fit into any clothes. ANY. I am left with a limited set of clothes and a big fat tummy. I am PERPETUALLY tired and upset and that doesnt help either my immune system or my mental balance. 

It seems that I slowly and steadily on a decline. I am having a lot of issues. They all stem from a massive dissatisfaction at my Job and the ability to make immense amounts of wrong decisions that I have taken because of that. I am an absolute mess and it is taking a huge toll on me. I need my mojo back and I really have no clue how to get that back. It is a difficult task. To keep thy mojo intact. 

To the Moon and Back!!

No, I am not going for a trip to the Moon.
I am of course tripping today.. Because it is the Husband's Birthday!

And not just any Birthday.. has officially entered the big 30 club. (Though I have no idea, why the hell is it called a club in the first place!)

So, yeah, since my man has turned thirty, and since, I believe in a lot of DIY (from god knows when!), I actually did a lot of projects!
From a video movie (Husband called me the "I Movie Ninja") which was messages from a lot of people (the family and friends) and a clock that I customised (by painting it and putting graphics on it) and I also customised a coin box for him!
There is a string of photographs lining the wall of my room, showing the moments of his life and people who have been a part of his life.

And, the thing that he loved the best was the "Jar of Memories", which was basically a mason jar containing messages from some people and loads of memories from his past. Trigger words, that would cause him to smile and think back to the good old times.

I have never been more satisfied with the gifts that I have done for the Husband.

So, my dear dear husband, here is to,  a new decade, to a new milestone, to success, happiness, love, laughter, wanderlust and US!!
Happy Birthday!!! 

Throw Back Thursday (#TBT)

For some very weird reason, Thursday's have been christened as #TBT .. meaning throw back Thursday.. meaning it is the day on which you browse through memories and then put a post about, how time has flown!

I do not need a particular day to become nostalgic about the time gone by. I on the contrary, hardly seem to be wanting to go back into the time gone by.. mostly the good times.

In all those good times and fond memories, I think the best times were spent writing blog posts, and then having discussions on those blog posts. I had started writing in 2005 to impress the husband (then the boyfriend). I could not ( or so I believed ) write. I could not articulate my words to forth the feelings. I am not a very good writer and I am grammatically wrong so many times; and I make numerous errors (spellings etc) but this space has become akin to my sacred space of being me. In 2007, when I grudgingly moved from Yahoo (I think) to Blogger, I was totally terrified. This was a much bigger platform, and I used to write to impress.
But, then, something just kept me pushing. Then slowly, I don't know when and I absolutely don't know how, comments started trickling in and as an unsaid rule of the blog world, I started visiting other blogs, and the THE BEST THING HAPPENED!!
I made friends through the blog-o-sphere!
I was a part of the lives of people, who were experiencing things similar- dissimilar- something .. they were experiencing true raw human emotions and they were writing about it, and making me a part of it.

But then somewhere along the lines, sabbaticals, bad elements and the usual busy life styles just put a stop to the whole thing. I was writing sporadically, reading rarely, and not commenting at all. But somehow through the on and off relationship with the blog, I also found a dear friend in Kashvi, who, has been my friend. We haven't talked in a while.. but I know that she loves me and her comment about me being back said it all.
And then, there is Uncle Jack, with his life experiences, who keeps in touch by phone :) He even made it to my marriage and did a whole post on it!
There is Su and Vagabound, who are on FB and I keep getting their life updates from there, but, I found them here.
And there is Bikram, who is still quite regular on my blog!!

But today, what made my day was RoopScoop! [I can't still get over that Pari is 4 years old!!] Roop and I have never exchanged e-mails, and all I did was follow her blog - Regularly. I love her writing (I especially loved a piece that she had written about how she went into labour pains and the events thereafter!) . She has come back after a huge sabbatical, and she leaves a usual message about how she has started afresh at a new page, and I go there and put a comment welcoming her back.. and her reply left a lump in my throat. She wrote that she left that message of moving her blog keeping me in mind.. and that.. just made my day.

It took me back in time. Took me back 8 years and 600 posts back, reminding me that all those memories that I have made.. have not gone in waste.. and that there are truly such amazing people still here.. to hold on to!
Thank you..

And Roop.. WELCOME BACK!!! 

Lessons in Self Doubt

When you are unwell and in bed the whole day, the most productive thing that you can do is either sleep or watch TV.
The curse of our generation is that we also have facebook/ twitter/ youtube and access to unlimited sources of entertainment. And, therefore, I ended up watching an ENTIRE season of a show called "The Newsroom". And well, when you watch these shows, they affect you in a way that.. okay maybe not you but they definitely have some sort of an effect on me.
I pine to be able to be the hero in my own story. A success story.
A story where you just hit the right notes at the right time. Meet a right person, say the right things and then land up in a place that actually reveals to you, your own true character and helps you create a path that you may not have chosen for yourself, but your destiny did help you find it.

Reality on the other hand is a different deal altogether. There is nothing like a dream job. Each one has some flaws in it. There are jobs that question your moral character, then there are jobs that question your financial stability and then there are jobs that question your familial stability. Hell, I am almost 29 and I do NOT have a job, that satisfy my moral compass, nor is it satisfying my financial compass, and while these two are unsatisfactory in nature, by  the laws of whatever the fuck it is that you want to call it; I am simply not heading a happy household either.

I am easy to push around, hell, yeah, my maid pushes me around like hell! I get lectured by her as to why I should and should not pay my other maid. There, all the respect is out of the window. I also get pushed around a lot by others. I get angry at things that I feel are wrong, or simple things like, why should I keep taking the first steps towards the relationship maintenance amongst relatives.. the only answer I get is, that someone has to.
There are things that I am getting to know now, there are truths.. okay more like family stories that I feel I should not have been told. Things are changing after marriage, and I am unable to grasp at things. I am ill equipped to make informed decisions or any other decisions for that matter, and all that I end up doing is putting up a thing before the review committee .. my Husband mostly.

I don't know, from where do people find their own depths, to questions their decisions and to evaluate their consequences and above all to take that first step to change it all. Hell, I don't even know where my life is heading. If at all it is heading somewhere, and I am feeling stuck. There is no new adventure that awaits me each morning .. yeah unless you count catching a bus at 7.30 am 6 days a week or the local train for that matter. I don't feel motivated to wake up next day, all charged up to go do a days worth of work and at the end of the day feel satisfied.

I don't feel that confidence and that strength to take on to my own little world, forget the world at large. I don't know, where to start from. From where to grasp those threads.
I am earnestly looking, for that one opportunity, that will change my life. A positive event, that gives me a chance at my little life, with my Husband. 

Houston, We are half way to the next year!!

What!
Yes, you can look at that again. This year is half way through. And, I seriously do not know where the fuck has the time flown by.
It was just January yesterday!

Honestly, I am glad that time is moving really quickly, because, I just do not want to dwell upon this year. I knew in my gut that this is going to be a really difficult year and so far, 2015 has not disappointed me in that.

I am looking forward to the year ahead, because, I just want this year, the current times to get over.  I do not have anything to look forward to. Office is a chore (yes, I have again managed to put myself in this situation). Home, is a cute lil place, with my husband and the dog, and a little cocoon of peace.

While, I impatiently wait for this year to get over, I am also anxious. Because, this is probably the longest that I have stayed away from Delhi. I am itching to go home. Yes, despite the alarming air pollution and the nonsensical sarkar, I want to go and spend some time with my BFF and my other girl friends.
It is like, each day is the same. A carbon copy of the other. Office. Home. A ride in all possible modes of transport, same questions and puzzles running through my mind and no peace.

We haven't travelled at all this year (a weekend getaway, that is it!). There are no plans in the pipeline either. No new city to see. No new adventure to look forward to, but then one can only hope.. right!

Okay, let us be a little bit more hopeful. There are 6 more months, and life is out there waiting. It is going to happen. Like my friend Vagabond says, one just needs to stop worrying!