For Friends!

It is not often that I have a carefree holiday. (Yes, you can re-read it!)

I have panic attacks as soon as it is time for the holidays to get over. This time, this weekend, it was different. There was eclectic music, two mad guys and one even more mad girl and a lot of conversation. There was alcohol, and a sense of ease.
The conversation for one was easy flowing, we talked about music and madness. We talked through things that we usually won't talk through, we walked half way up some caves (Karla) and decided that it was too much, and instead landed at Matheran to have "Lunch", travel by horse (We all are still sore on our bummies) and then a sumptuous lunch later decided to walk down towards our car!
And, oh the amount of alcohol that we consumed was well, I believe not enough. We could have had more.

But mostly, I remember when we were driving back towards Mumbai, via Matheran through the old highway and the winding roads with the greenery, where in the background there was some english music and the bantering of two old friends, and I was for once at peace. Knowing that the Husband knows how I feel. Seeing that he is capable of yapping (not that I have not seen him do that, but not seen him do that with a guy friend per se) away to glory and to top it all, the feeling of finding a new well wisher who I truly know that wishes the best for both the Husband and me. It is humbling to know and have such friends.
And I am grateful to the Husband for choosing wisely. I am thanking my stars and a little bit of who I am that made me approach our friend Mr. Loon (yeah, I am gonna call him that)( I have been rechristened as Penguin.. so Yeah!) and to be able to pull this weekend off. I am really excited to plan another holiday with Mr. Loon and the Husband (It is also nice to boss two guys!! :P).

And Monday, I met a fellow blogger but now mostly one of my closest friends Kashvi. And oh boy, it was fun, randomly going around Mumbai, hopefully not torturing her with a lot of market(ing) thingy!! It was just great to catch up.  Kashvi and I go back to the initial blogging days (about good 6-7 years back) and oh boy, I have seen this girl change (in a good way), I see a confident girl (with her drama intact), I see traits in her that make me proud of her. It takes strength to just live the life that we are living and it takes another level of conviction to take it head on, to be able to take decisions and to be proud of them. I am super proud of you darling and world is your oyster.. Go for it!!

There is nothing in this world that makes me happier to know that I have friends who don't judge. Who talk. Without inhibition, and with a lot of love. It is on days like these that I count my blessings and hope and pray that there are more days when happiness is inhibited and pure!

The Chipped Nail Paint

It was this particular thing about the nail paint on my finger nails that used to irritate me the most. All through college and till about 5 months back I used to avoid putting nail paint on my finger nails. It was a pain to paint them, and then, more of a pain to see them chipped (It makes one look shabby), and then to take it off and to re-apply as necessary.

This newest fad of mine, makes me think of how far have I come from being who I was. This of course is not the only thing that has made me think that I have "changed".

I feel, that I am no more that person who was happy, dappy and had a carefree attitude to the world. This of course being a down side of always being at home and always being under the shadow. This care free attitude being one of the downside. The other being that you were always under the scanner. Always in the bracket of the "Girl who (does/ does not) disappoint". Trust me when I say that, I always wanted to tick the does not disappoint box. And it is a hard task at that. Because, that obviously means putting what the other person wants before what you want. And, there are enough posts with those recollections.
But.
Now.
I.
AM.
STUCK.

I can't make a single decision without putting too many variables at play. It is like: "I think, the best solution to rid ourselves of the packing boxes in the house are to invest in a  couple of cane storage solutions".
Variable "Expenses: How much will it cost. (Of course, I won't know till I go and ask); But then I assume that even if it is 500 Rs a Piece.. Is it worth the fucking investment."

Variable: "How will I get it? Will I be able to pull it off? What if no one likes it?"
And therefore, that can storage space solution has not happened till now. And, NOW that we are almost at September, and the lease gets over in February. Couple of months. Chuck it.

Problem: "Husband's health"
"I promise myself each day that I will not hound him about his sugar issues. I will do what is in my hands. Therefore, I put the medicines out for him each night for the following day, and hope to God that he does not forget to take them"
There are so many what if's scenarios that keep playing in my head so far as Husband's sugar issues are concerned that it is maddening to even think to think about those issues. I am turning a deliberate blind with super heavy heart.

Problem "Career"
Mine. Obviously. Husband's finally on track. I needn't reiterate on the problems that I am facing in my current situation. But, I have been recently told that "I should not compare myself with the lawyers in the firm and that I am good in Business Development and should concentrate on that" That particular statement has shook me to my core. As a matter of fact, it has broken me worse than what I-AMC did.
Variables here at play are "Money. Location. Learning Curve and Career Growth". And "Husband's job. Family" and Finally NOT fucking up this time round. I am so tired of making wrong decisions that I can't believe myself at all.

Problem "Who am I?"
Husband is to blame for this. I never tasted wanderlust, till I got married and now, I just can't get over it. I want a stable house. A place that I can come home to at the end of the day/ end of a trip.. But I wanna be able to travel. To taste some adventure, here and there and to be able to tell it all. But not worry about the dwindling bank account either.
Identity crisis galore.

Problem "Health"
I need to loose weight. There is no "do-raha" to that. How do I do it.. that is another question altogether.

"Procrastination"
I am myself wondering how did I get this post up at all.

It is like, I wanna just rewind things. And, make some correct assessments.  But since this is life and not a media player, I need to come up with a plan to revamp my life without unbalancing the equation.
How. Dunno! 

Khel Kismat Ka

There is a very popular saying in Hindi:

"Samay se pehle, aur
Kismet se zyaada kissi ko nahin milta" 

And while I am trying to be positive about things in life after the incident yesterday, I would really like some divine intervention. So a colleague got confirmed at the number 1 law firm in the country. And the entire process of how he got it is nothing more than divine intervention. So some random senior to whom he had cribbed about in his position in his previous job recommended his name and then he got a call from there and he was hired. Just like that. In three days. 

Me on the other hand have been trying to break into the whole top tier law firm scene from like 5 years now and NOTHING seems to work. No calls out of the blue, despite the networks and me being so good at keeping in touch. 

No nothing. 

Not even a single interview call forget a fucking job offer. 

It's like this is not in my destiny. I mean- as of now I just don't know what my career destiny is. I am trying not to panics and I am trying to be patient and positive. 

I however- can't see any signs. I can't see anything right now. But, I know that I am trying like hell. 

There is after all another saying in Hindi: 

"Kehte hain kismet haathon Ki lakeeron mein hoti hai; 

Par kismet toh unki bhi hoti hai jinke haath nahin hote." 

Where is the light at the end of the Tunnel?

The silver lining on the dark clouds?

There seems to be no end to my career woes.

I have become nothing more than a glorified secretary to the partner in the Law Firm that I am working in. I am doing nothing. NOTHING legal.
I am following up with Clients, doing BD. Taking care of the administration and wondering each day as to what the hell have I gotten myself into.

I have just been made to realise that I can't fucking draft a legal notice, let alone take care of any legal work. I am at the MOST LOW ever in my life and I am fighting the urge to go and shout at the bosses saying that, THIS IS IT. I don't think that I can do this any more.

I don't care whether the dam peon can serve tea or not, or the driver is there to take you to place that is 50 mtrs away from the office.
I don't care if the office is being cleaned on Sunday and who is cleaning it. And NO, I do not want to identify anyone who will take care of the general house keeping of the office.

This is NOT ME.

I am working two jobs (yes, I am also doing free lance work,so that I can substantiate the income that we are earning), but still a trip to home on my Birthday is a BIG NO from the Husband.

I am feeling suffocated. I feel like this is a vicious circle that seems never ending. I can't seem to breathe.
And one of these I'll drown in my own miseries without the world even knowing, because to the world I will have a mask.

FindMucked

Totally.
This was supposed to be a detailed whiny post about how my life has just reached the pinnacle of disorder, but then I have myself not been able to come to terms with it, so there is a constant churning in my head. About a lot of thoughts and things and what nots.
So instead of writing a long subjective post on "WHY ME".. I am putting a set of bullet points. And in an honest to God statement, I really hope that when a couple of years down the line when I look back at this particular post then I am able to reflect and say.. "Really, was it this bad or was I just imagining it.. to be this bad". So here goes nothing:

• The JOB Scene: I am slowly losing my mind. I am lawyer. I have become a "glorified secretary" to the boss. I was supposed to replace her vis a vis the micromanagement of the firm along with doing legal work. The fact of the matter is that there is NO legal work for me to do. I am rotting away writing BD letters to some random people. Money is not much and being "old", the mindset of control doesn't go away. The ONLY good thing is that, the other lawyers are good and decent people. But- NO. This is not what I was expecting. I am cringing and hoping to land a proper legal job somewhere.. IT JUST AINT HAPPENING. 

• Personal Scene: Husband and I fight. Like all couples do. But our conversations and fights are becoming the same ol stuff that we fight about. It is all about the money, honey. We both are slightly flustered about not being able to travel as much as we would like to.. but mostly, I miss him. I feel that since we have moved into the new place, we really haven't talked. Haven't spent as much time as I would like. No silent walks, or just being in each other's arms .. it has just been hardly seeing and being with each other. 

• Weight Issues: So, I have never really had any issues vis a vis my image and the weight. I mean I do look at my school pictures and realise that I was plump. But things have gotten out of hand of late. I can hardly fit into any clothes. ANY. I am left with a limited set of clothes and a big fat tummy. I am PERPETUALLY tired and upset and that doesnt help either my immune system or my mental balance. 

It seems that I slowly and steadily on a decline. I am having a lot of issues. They all stem from a massive dissatisfaction at my Job and the ability to make immense amounts of wrong decisions that I have taken because of that. I am an absolute mess and it is taking a huge toll on me. I need my mojo back and I really have no clue how to get that back. It is a difficult task. To keep thy mojo intact. 

To the Moon and Back!!

No, I am not going for a trip to the Moon.
I am of course tripping today.. Because it is the Husband's Birthday!

And not just any Birthday.. has officially entered the big 30 club. (Though I have no idea, why the hell is it called a club in the first place!)

So, yeah, since my man has turned thirty, and since, I believe in a lot of DIY (from god knows when!), I actually did a lot of projects!
From a video movie (Husband called me the "I Movie Ninja") which was messages from a lot of people (the family and friends) and a clock that I customised (by painting it and putting graphics on it) and I also customised a coin box for him!
There is a string of photographs lining the wall of my room, showing the moments of his life and people who have been a part of his life.

And, the thing that he loved the best was the "Jar of Memories", which was basically a mason jar containing messages from some people and loads of memories from his past. Trigger words, that would cause him to smile and think back to the good old times.

I have never been more satisfied with the gifts that I have done for the Husband.

So, my dear dear husband, here is to,  a new decade, to a new milestone, to success, happiness, love, laughter, wanderlust and US!!
Happy Birthday!!! 

Throw Back Thursday (#TBT)

For some very weird reason, Thursday's have been christened as #TBT .. meaning throw back Thursday.. meaning it is the day on which you browse through memories and then put a post about, how time has flown!

I do not need a particular day to become nostalgic about the time gone by. I on the contrary, hardly seem to be wanting to go back into the time gone by.. mostly the good times.

In all those good times and fond memories, I think the best times were spent writing blog posts, and then having discussions on those blog posts. I had started writing in 2005 to impress the husband (then the boyfriend). I could not ( or so I believed ) write. I could not articulate my words to forth the feelings. I am not a very good writer and I am grammatically wrong so many times; and I make numerous errors (spellings etc) but this space has become akin to my sacred space of being me. In 2007, when I grudgingly moved from Yahoo (I think) to Blogger, I was totally terrified. This was a much bigger platform, and I used to write to impress.
But, then, something just kept me pushing. Then slowly, I don't know when and I absolutely don't know how, comments started trickling in and as an unsaid rule of the blog world, I started visiting other blogs, and the THE BEST THING HAPPENED!!
I made friends through the blog-o-sphere!
I was a part of the lives of people, who were experiencing things similar- dissimilar- something .. they were experiencing true raw human emotions and they were writing about it, and making me a part of it.

But then somewhere along the lines, sabbaticals, bad elements and the usual busy life styles just put a stop to the whole thing. I was writing sporadically, reading rarely, and not commenting at all. But somehow through the on and off relationship with the blog, I also found a dear friend in Kashvi, who, has been my friend. We haven't talked in a while.. but I know that she loves me and her comment about me being back said it all.
And then, there is Uncle Jack, with his life experiences, who keeps in touch by phone :) He even made it to my marriage and did a whole post on it!
There is Su and Vagabound, who are on FB and I keep getting their life updates from there, but, I found them here.
And there is Bikram, who is still quite regular on my blog!!

But today, what made my day was RoopScoop! [I can't still get over that Pari is 4 years old!!] Roop and I have never exchanged e-mails, and all I did was follow her blog - Regularly. I love her writing (I especially loved a piece that she had written about how she went into labour pains and the events thereafter!) . She has come back after a huge sabbatical, and she leaves a usual message about how she has started afresh at a new page, and I go there and put a comment welcoming her back.. and her reply left a lump in my throat. She wrote that she left that message of moving her blog keeping me in mind.. and that.. just made my day.

It took me back in time. Took me back 8 years and 600 posts back, reminding me that all those memories that I have made.. have not gone in waste.. and that there are truly such amazing people still here.. to hold on to!
Thank you..

And Roop.. WELCOME BACK!!!