Save Room...

"What If..."
I don't know if you all do it, but I know that I do it very often.

There is always an alternative going on in my mind. There is always the 'What if', which is bugging me. But the reality is always different. In the world of imagination that I have created for myself, I am always thinking about the other way that I could have taken, then what life would have been.

But the one constant that is always there in all of my 'What If' situation is my boyfriend. Somehow, I just don't see myself living the last six years that I have without him being a part of it. There is always a way that I fit him in, so that he be a part of my life. And the ONLY 'What if' alternative that I have not made, is getting married and/or spending my life with some one other than him.

And today, when I hugged him for one full minute at the airport, after meeting him, I realised that how much I missed him, making me feel more guilty that I could not be with him when he was in Calcutta.
Then at his house, when, I held him for longer, I also realised how much he missed me. How much that hug meant to him. The one that I should have given him twenty days ago.
And as he held me, he kept kissing me on my head and calming me own. It was without any words that we shared the grief, the loss and the sense of our togetherness. The words, are they ever enough between the people who share a lot more than common interest?

I sometimes, wonder *the sometimes is a lot many times*, how can any one be in a marriage or for that matter of fact in a relationship, where you can't even understand when a person needs a hug, when he needs to be comforted. And, I am glad, that my darling bf know, when I cry, when I am laughing, even when I am not in front of his eyes.
Today while I was trying tell him where I am standing at the airport,


I said "Can you look at the Y place next to the X, Place.. I am on that side.."
He said "I am near that Y place... "
I said "I can't see you..."
He said "You can't see me, because, I am sure that you are looking only at the place X"
I am like "Huh! How do you know? Can you see me?"
He said "That is because I know you!"

And that just made me smile. Made me feel proud, of the person who I have chosen to be my life partner. I know, that there are still loads of hurdles that are to be crossed. The tough period is yet to begin. The frustrations and the fights, well, they are round the corner too, lurking somewhere...
But, despite all of that.
Despite, knowing the fact, that, another battle is about to begin, I know that today, I love him, that I am proud of him. His strong spirit and his love that is just for me.
My sweetheart is back to town, and the hardest good bye, just a couple of weeks away..

Baby, if you are reading this- Know, that I love you. And I missed you!
And this song  is just for you!

Say that you'll stay a little
don’t say bye-bye tonight
say you'll be mine
just a little bit of love,

Is worth a moment of your time.

Knocking on your door just a little
it's so cold outside tonight
let's get a fire burning 
oh I know I'll keep it burning bright

If you stay,

Won’t you stay?

Stay

Save room for my love
Save room for a moment to be with me
Save room for my love, Save a little,

Save a little for me
Won't you save a little?
Save a little for me, Oh

This just might hurt a little
Love hurts sometimes when you do it right
Don’t be afraid of a little bit of pain
Pleasure is on the other side.

Let down your guard just a little
i'll keep you safe in these arms of mine
hold on to me pretty baby
you will see I can be all you need

If you stay
Won't you stay? 
Stay

Save room for my love
Save room for a moment to be with me
Save room for my love, Save a little,

Save a little for me
Won't you save a little?
Save a little for me, Oh

Oh c'mon,

Make time to live a little
Don't let this moment slip by tonight
you'll never know what you're missing
'till you try,

I’ll keep you satisfied

If, you stay
Won't you stay?

Stay

                                                                   - 'Save Room' by John Legend 

                        

Office Laptop...

"Fake it till you make it"

This is the mantra that we are taught often in our dance class!
It is normally an exercise so that we develop the attitude, and start [read: stop] thinking and dancing outside the box.
But you won't believe, this philosophy works really well, in the real life as well.
If you are in an expectations zone, and you get hurt.. then either you can cry about it, and mull over it.. or you fake it. Even to your heart, about being strong, about telling yourself, over and over again that, it doesn't matter. That there is a life beyond the thing that has gone wrong!

The boyfriend has been explaining to me for last so many weeks, that I need to move on, and that I have to be professional in my approach to the people in office. The emotional me, is just not ready to move on. * an immensely stupid thing to do, trust me!*

So, Ms. P, ignored me on my face. I said nothing. I smiled.
And today, I go to FB, I try to find Ms. V, because I need to pass on some information to her, to help her.. and what do I find, that she is no longer listed in my friend list. I finally find her. Send her the message that I had to. And, I feel like shit!
I have no idea, why she 'un-friended' me. And I don't intent to even find out. But yes, it does hurt you alot. The fact that, even when you do nothing, just follow the orders, try to adjust to the new situations [read: new office] and make the best out of it- You are coldly ignored.

To be honest, I feel like crying. But, I am not. I am going to be a strong person. And, she is just a colleague. Nothing more. As a matter of fact, with the attitude that P & V have shown me, they have lost respect in my eyes. Yes, they have. Oh, MDR, is chilled as ever. He had made it very clear to me that, long distance relationship, even if it is two offices in the same city, just don't work out. So, he will act like a cool dude.

Here is a decision that I am going to stick to. No more 'feelings' in the whole office business. You are my senior, I am your junior. I ask you a question, you answer my question. That is it. I have to grow out of this nonsense. And, I am going to grow up. And move ahead! 

Our Walk- For Dignity!

There is enough said on the web about the ‘Slut-Walk’; that is going to be organized in the rape capital, a.k.a. Delhi!

The media, the netizens,.. almost everyone has had their take on it. I also have a take on it. Actually I have been meaning to write for the longest time, but, my state of mind has been such, that I just could not formulate anything in my head to write a post that makes some sense.

But today when I read the post at Bohemian Rhapsody, I just could not stop myself from typing my thoughts out.

So, Ms. Seema Goswami thinks, that if we dress up the way we dress up, we should be ready to face the consequences of it. Therefore, if we do take her advise on this issue, we should dress up like idiots and go to work. But there is just one problem here, madam Goswami, that, even when we women are dressed up like idiots, or as a matter of fact, even if we are dressed up in Burqua’s, sarees or even bloody Salwar Kameez (with a dupatta mind you), we are sneered upon. Then what should we do?

Stop working, is what you or rather most of the people would say, but tell me, is that practical? Won’t that mean that India will be pushed back a couple centuries behind.. and you too happen to work, just that you are a media person and have all the money and wealth to afford it, the aam junta, can’t really afford that.

Why is it that, every time there is a question of women safety, it always comes down to the way we are dressed. Of course, we know what we are wearing. But, my question is, why the fuck can’t we wear what we like? Why should I be made to think twice if I have to wear a nice dress or a nice top?

Why can’t for a change, the mentality of the men be questioned? Just because you can’t tangibly measure it in the terms of whether it is dirty or not? Every time a woman whether dressed conventionally or provocatively walks in front of a man, if he is of a filthy mind, he will undress her, in his imagination, and rape her there and then. But, it doesn’t matter, because, by the virtue of being a woman, we invite it. Is that it?

The MEN will never change their mentality.. will they? The day they start truly respecting a woman, they will not be just innocent by standers to an incident of eve teasing. But no, they are males, and they have feelings too [read: EGO] and therefore to ‘protest’ against the Slut-walk, there is also a Stud-walk that is being organized… they basically are protesting against stereotyping of Delhi Boys as Jaat Boys who are rapists!!

How ridiculous is that?

Again the whole purpose of the Slut-Walk is lost on them!

And then, we are told, that we call it upon ourselves, when we dress the way we dress!

We have said it umpteenth times, but they don’t listen, do they? It is the menial mentality of the male that needs to be changed. And the first change that needs to be done is; to teach them by hook or by crook, that Women are human beings, not just a pound of flesh or a sex toy! And NO it doesn’t hurt your darling ego, if you mind your own business instead of leching over the next woman that passes by you! 

There is a sense of helplessness in me right now.
Yes, I took down the last post too, because every time a comment came, or every time I logged in blogger, it was a stark reminder of the way life has turned upside down.

I was happy. More than that, I was content, that life finally was settling down. There were the occasional arguments. The confusions, the decisions.
But for the last couple of weeks.. things were as they should have been. Good.

But, no, some one up there, He doesn't like to see me or my boyfriend happy and content.
And, yes, call it cliched, call it very filmy or call it what ever you would want to.. but I am really sick of this nonsense.. sick of knowing the fact that every time there is something that would make us happy, there will be something else, waiting for us, round the corner to create a storm and break all hell loose over us.

Why us?

I really want us to be happy together.

  

Elope.. A preview

My legs are aching and I am very sure that my feet are a mess.

Today was one of those days that could have gone in any direction. But, thank God for his little graces that, right now I am going to sleep with some peace and a sense of achievement. Whether it's actually an achievement, well, that will only be ascertained in some time.

Remember, I had talked about the couple who were planning to elope? Well, they actually accomplished that feat today with a lot of help from the boyfriend and me. So to put it simply, we were at wedding today, for which shayon and I did everything and our super efficient clerk arranged the wedding venue.

It was a first for both the boyfriend and me and I really hope that it's a last. I have a life time of strories related to the most coveted event, from the bride being more concerned about the saree and the make up than the time running out, from getting affidavits notarized to the drive into the most obscure part of Delhi, where I was almost hit by a mob for running over a woman's foot to well translating the wedding vows in English for the bride and the groom.

There is a severe need for a detailed post which will come soon.

Weekend… Clothes..

The weekend that went by, was by far one of THE most costliest weekend in like 6 years of the relationship that the boyfriend and I have been in. Yes, of course there was the birthday lunch two years back that was all five star and what not… but then this weekend was WONDERFUL!

And yes, in case you are wondering… much more special than the birthday lunch.

The MOST costly item in the list was a much hyped and a much wanted *not needed, but wanted* DSLR camera, which is VERY expensive, and every time I think about the money that has gone into it, my heart breaks, but then I see the pretty pictures that have come out of it *of me!* and I am much happier girl.

On Friday, when the camera was purchased, we met. And we also met, my best friend and her boyfriend, who btw, also completed 6 years yesterday! It was a typical 'Couple's Night Out' sorts, except both the couples were unmarried and had deadlines to go back home.

Saturday, was totally impromptu, after working for couple of hours and going crazy, all of a sudden, boyfriend and I decided to meet for lunch.. and not just any where, but at Shangri- La , where we had a Chinese buffet with a glass of wine J and clicked loads and loads of pictures.. later we went shopping for some Indian ethnic Kurtas for the boyfriend..

As we were heading homewards, he towards his, me towards mine, he said something thinking about which makes me smile and thank my stars .. he said that slowly he can see life settling down, and that after the turmoil of what to do, where are we heading.. he was happy that things are settling down. And for the records, if he thinks that life is settling down, and that he content with things, it is a great sign. And trust me , like I had said earlier, I really am not keen on any drama, I am mostly concerned with the contentment with life.

And on Sunday, my dear boyfriend went and bought 'Formal' shirts and trousers, with cuff links… actually he has been on the change of the 'wardrobe' spree for a really long time, but all of a sudden the speed of change has increased, and with that, the realization of the 'grown up' factor has also come into play. I don't really know why, but not the time of 6 years, not the fact that, the boyfriend has been working for the last couple of years, or the fact that I have been working for almost a year or that I have a car now, NOTHING, has made me realize the passage of time that has gone by. But the fact that he has bought himself formal clothes, has just given me the jolt and made me realize how much time has passed.

Weird, what all can clothes make you realize?

WTF!

I am very disturbed. Actually, I am very worried.
The thing is that, I am very scared, scared about the fact that me and my boyfriend will not end being together. I really do ant to be him. Just him.
In my dreams, in my reality, I have never ever id magined my life with anyone else but him.

Okay before you all open your eyes wide, here is the thing;
I have written about it before also, the fact that my parents have said a categorical no to me and him because our  kundlis  don't match. We both in response have categorically stated that we don't care. As a matter of fact, my father recently asked me if I had 'reconsidered'; to which I had replied no. And then later, he had asked me about our future plan.Which btw, is a GREAT sign.
But then, I did something stupid...

Our office clerk and SNM, were talking about Palmistry etc... and I over heard and realised that the clerk knows palmistry and I also showed him my hand. And he also in many words told me that 'madam, jisse aap chahte hain, usse toh nahin hogi aapki shaadi'
And, yes I laughed it off. But the stupid nagging doesn't leave me! AT ALL!

On top of it, my mother dear,is so super concerned about the admission of my younger sister that she is following some advise given by some baba on the television *or so my mother claims* and because my younger sister is adhering to my mother's advise, I too have to do a couple of things that she says. My only concern is that, since she is the one who started the whole kundli natak, that she is making me do things that may just create havoc in my love life. And asking her questions means, a full fledged world war in the house. I avoid most of what she asks me to do by comfortably forgetting it but..

Yes, there is always a BUT, there is always this scare that, I am going to end up losing the person who as made me who I am. I would have probably ended my life, had I not had my boyfriend with me. I was a HUGE mess. I am very scared. I am very confused.

And shit just doesn't get over here... Office is a HUGE mess, a matter is a matter alive till the Supreme Court doesn't kill it. The current matter that I am dealing with is taking its toll on me. I almost decided to quit, till it stuck me that, I have no back up job and I need to double my salary ASAP so that I can get married to the boyfriend ASAP.
There is my stupid colleague SNM, who is living in with his fiancée and they have a pregnancy scare... which basically means that I am in the shoes of the 'Calm them Down' stuff! *Yeah, no ONE knows about this except me!*

And the lesson learnt from all of this- is That NEVER EVER TEMPT FATE! After that happy dappy post that came up a couple of days back... you can pretty much guess, that I am not so happy dappy any more!

DAMN!