The "Secret" Adult Society

When I was a kid, often while my parents and their friends were sitting together for a dinner, or just gossiping around, they would usually shoo the kids away (okay, we as kids were also not really interested to listen to their talks). But, once I was a little older, they would still shoo me away.

And, I wondered why. Then, from the teenage, I entered the twenties, and I was allowed to vote, hell, I was allowed to have wine, but often, still shooed away when the parents sat down to chit chat. Wasn't I a grown up still??

And then I got married.

And wham bham, that was the automatic membership to the "Secret" Adult Society. It was almost like, I had grown up instantaneously.
The knowledge that marriage meant consensual sex, and so and so forth makes people more comfortable around the "grown up kids".

You all are raising an eye brow? I notice all kinds of patterns, and this secret society pattern is something that has strakly come in to view.

For one, my elder cousin (sister), doesn't think twice about talking to me about her bedroom life with her husband, and how things change when you have kids. I have always been close to her, but she would never expressely talk about the fact that how she slept off in the moment....!!!

And the sexually charged up jokes by the women, in general make uncomfortable in a conversation an understatement. It is like, no conversation is complete without a sexual innuendo. And from the talks of these ladies, it seems that sex becomes a rarity post the kids!

Then there are conversations around retirements and savings, and the same parents that usually shield you from the realities of life don't shield you anymore, and the guilt that is often not a part of the growing up, becomes a part of your being in its entirety.

The decision making process becomes lenthy. Like really complicated. Earlier, if there was a party, you would ask your parents, who would often play football between themselves and then say no (my parents mostly said no). Now that you have a party to attend to, you have to think of the following:

1. Is it on a weekend?
2. Check with your spouse, if there is any plan.
3. Check your bank balance, if it is a dutch party.
4. Buy a gift if you are not the host.
5. Clothes. None that fit you any more. Therefore, buy or improvise.
6. Car. Would you forego the drinking or your spouse?
7. Is there any other plan, the next day!
Shit! You would have to for go sleep to have a happening weekend.

And this was a simple party that we are talking aboutr. Imagine making a decision, if it is shifting of a house, a city, changing jobs or wanting to study.

Then there is the food. Remember the good ol days when you made a face at the brocoli.. times my dear friend has changed and the karma of the brocoli follows you as an adult!!

When they talk about being a grown up, they don't tell you, how complicated is it, to call up a friend and to believe when they say that they are okay, when in your heart your instincts tell you otherwise. Of the fake smiles and heart breaking decisions.
And all you think is, when will this end???

Festivities, Change and a Crazy lady!

There is this urge to write.
A certain franctic feeling, about recording every thought that runs through my mind. But, then when I open this page often, I am blank.

I want to type, and then I am just too lazy.

The Gods it seem take the sadist pleasure to dump me with way too many things to think about, to act upon and then expect me to not to freak out (or like the husbad says- "become a crazy lady").

Yes, things are in a tizzy!

The year it seems is getting set to close on high note, one way or the other.

Here is to festivities, and change!

It's the MSBK nightmare once more!

Circa 2002.

I lost my Dada ji one day after my 10th Standard Boards. Things changed post that.

He was my moral, silent support whenever I made certain decision against my Mom's wishes. As a matter of fact, during his time, the flow of approval for anything in the house would snowball into "Go ask your dadu". I used to butter him a lot. Often, I would get my way, but mostly it was a coaxing me to accept a No.

I was the permission kind of girl. Looking for affirmations and not really the "make independent decisions" kind of girl. Sort of a goody two shoes who would often cry for her freedom in the dead of the night.

I won't say I had a repressed childhood but my tantrums and angry (often accompanied by contorted facial expressions) were never taken kindly. I was loved and spoilt, but the family missed out on educating me about making independent, educated decisions and choices.

So, Dadu was not there when my Xth Standard results came. My Mom always wanted me to pass out of a premier school (I dunno what was the whole fuss about at that time); I being me, agreed. And I was admitted into MSBK (If you are from Delhi and are familiar with school short forms, you would know this and if you don't, don't bother). I was (and still am) sort of shabby looking, not interested in ensuring that I am slim trim and parlour going hoor ki pari and plus since I moved into this elite school of kids only for 2 odd years, I was instantly a social outcast. I did manage to have a couple of friends, but unlike how they show you in television dramas , it is no fun being a social outcast (in my previous school, I had created a niche for myself).

And, for most of the XIth Standard, I used to hardly go to school. I used to be ill. I had headaches, I had stomach aches and sometimes, I used to puke. And, I don't know if anyone would believe me, but I never faked or induced any of this.

Today, I am on the same pedestal and I am having headaches, stomach aches and fevers (low grade). The husband is obviously worried.
But, I see a pattern.
I am not happy. I am in a situation that I can't wriggle myself out of (professionally). I am time and again trying so hard to be able to stay calm, and just focus on the kaam (work); but because every instruction that I get is a blow to my self esteem of being a lawyer then how the hell do I take control.

There is none to blame but me.
The whole stress is getting on to me. It is making me nervous. And, I am slowly disintegrating. 

Malaise

dissatisfaction/dɪssatɪsˈfakʃn/
noun
lack of satisfaction.
"widespread public dissatisfaction with incumbent politicians"
synonyms: discontent, discontentment, disappointment, disaffection, disquiet, unhappiness, malaise, disgruntlement, frustration, vexation, annoyance, irritation, anger, exasperation, resentment;

Dissatisfaction stems from failure. It stems from a feeling of emptiness that engulfs you when you are unable to talk about what you feel, and when you are unable to deal with your life crisis in a dignified manner. It stems from the fear of failure. It starts at the level of gnawing. When you see someone get that job you hoped that you would get; when you see your own classmate (from school or college) doing so very well for itself and you start to evaluate your own performance against them. 

It starts as jealousy (which is lousy) and then slowly like a disease it spreads. At a first stage treatment, you are mostly in denial mode. You are like, so what, you need to see the bright side of things. And for a while you even do. And then, you see, someone, who was behind you in class in all the ways possible, and *boom* that hits you hard. Your self esteem (especially all the hard work through college, falls flat; what happened to hard work in college reap benefits etc?) goes for a toss. But you are still hopeful (after all, what is life w/out any hope?). But, then, instead of walking forth, life hands you a bunch of cards that you can't bluff with nor can you gamble with. 

And then you are stuck. Or you appear to be stuck. This is the second stage of the disease. 

It is when you are stuck in the second stage, you stop rationalising. You stop wondering, and you forget that each one is fighting some battle or the other. 

This is the stage when you actually sit and analyse each decision that you have made in life and wonder, where is it that you have gone wrong??? What is it that you did not do? Appease the right Gods or the right people. 

And, this, my dear friends leads us to the third and the final stage of this disease, where, you have analysed all the decisions of your life and have wondered and imagined all the possible "what if" scenarios and really can't find where did you go wrong. This is the stage when you become uncertain of all the decisions (major or minor) that are to be taken by you. The virus of malaise like a weed sucks out all your confidence and happiness. You are only kept wondering, why is the other person happier than you? That, why is your life stuck, and that, whether to wake up next morning to go to work is as much of a hard work or as easy as it gets. You can't appreciate all the good around you. hell you can't even be happy for the person that you love. The other symptoms include feeling low all the time; self pity; procrastination; low (lowest) self esteem and confidence and more severe cases nothing (and when I say noting, it means NOTHING x infinity) can ever make you happy. Crying becomes a part of your routine (even when on the face of it, you look like you are not crying in the heart, you are howling in pain and emptiness) and you question everything, including the destiny that is often talked about in the self help books.. you are direction-less and mostly angry or zombie like.

They are very few people, okay there may be a lot of people who are satisfied with their lives and maybe a tiny bit dissatisfied with some parts of it. But, if one of the major parts of your own self, of your own being is dissatisfied with something that is akin to your identity, then it becomes really difficult to appreciate the good things and be happy for the people in your life. 

The disease of Malaise is a very very severe problem, to be dealt with extreme love, care and patience. You have been forewarned!

Out (Perform)

"Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth. - Iyanla Vanzant"


The above lines appeared with the picture below it on a page that a frequent on Facebook called "berlin-artparasites". The lines that they often quote, sometimes with a known author, sometimes with unknown authors. These lines, most often than not resonate with the feelings that most of the world is feeling at that point time (going by the thousands/ lakhs of likes and comments).

This one in particular, left me thinking. And thinking. I have been thinking about these lines for almost a week and every time I have read them, I want to break down and cry. I want to curl up into this ball on a hard cold floor and cry myself out of the misery that I feel for the life that I have created.
[Now, before you all start dreading about my relationship with the Husband let me clear the air to tell you that it is not about the "personal" problems, but professional ones]


So, if everything is a reflection of what I believe about myself then in that case, I am doomed (or not). I think very highly of myself as a lawyer. I believe that I am good. (I mean, I do give freelance advisory and all), but then there are instances that make me self doubt my abilities. The doubt being of a kind that spirals out of control and makes me lose  my mind over every aspect of my life. My faith in myself so far as my career goes has gone down the drain. There is nothing to show but bad decisions made at desperate times leading to one disaster over other. It is these disasters that leave me with a hallow feeling at the pit of my stomach about the belief that I have about being a lawyer.

I try to be careful. Cautious. But, my ability to take really bad decisions over takes my ability of taking informed decisions. Just too many things, too many equations and boom, I land in trouble again.
It is not a hidden fact that I abhor my current retainer position. I cry silently even in office, it is that bad. I hate the fact that the miracles that happen, the sudden good things the one opportunity to change my life is just not coming along. I can't fathom, as to is this just pure bad luck for me? Because I know that I am a hard- working girl. But, it is just not happening.

Today the "lawyers" in the office have got their incentives, but, that doesn't happen for me. Because I have been told not to count myself as a lawyer (and to imagine that I changed from an in-house position to be more of a lawyer). I am trying to see the "good" in the "worse" kind of situation but, I am losing it. The only reason I am holding on to my sanity is because of the constant support of my dear Husband.
You know how people just know that they are on the right track and then things just fall in place for them.. my things are not falling into place at all. I haven't had a happy coincidence in ages and I am hating that.
How do I out-perform my own self? My self doubts and above all my habit of making bad decisions, because, I am unable to draw my worth to my at all.. how do I go past that??

For Friends!

It is not often that I have a carefree holiday. (Yes, you can re-read it!)

I have panic attacks as soon as it is time for the holidays to get over. This time, this weekend, it was different. There was eclectic music, two mad guys and one even more mad girl and a lot of conversation. There was alcohol, and a sense of ease.
The conversation for one was easy flowing, we talked about music and madness. We talked through things that we usually won't talk through, we walked half way up some caves (Karla) and decided that it was too much, and instead landed at Matheran to have "Lunch", travel by horse (We all are still sore on our bummies) and then a sumptuous lunch later decided to walk down towards our car!
And, oh the amount of alcohol that we consumed was well, I believe not enough. We could have had more.

But mostly, I remember when we were driving back towards Mumbai, via Matheran through the old highway and the winding roads with the greenery, where in the background there was some english music and the bantering of two old friends, and I was for once at peace. Knowing that the Husband knows how I feel. Seeing that he is capable of yapping (not that I have not seen him do that, but not seen him do that with a guy friend per se) away to glory and to top it all, the feeling of finding a new well wisher who I truly know that wishes the best for both the Husband and me. It is humbling to know and have such friends.
And I am grateful to the Husband for choosing wisely. I am thanking my stars and a little bit of who I am that made me approach our friend Mr. Loon (yeah, I am gonna call him that)( I have been rechristened as Penguin.. so Yeah!) and to be able to pull this weekend off. I am really excited to plan another holiday with Mr. Loon and the Husband (It is also nice to boss two guys!! :P).

And Monday, I met a fellow blogger but now mostly one of my closest friends Kashvi. And oh boy, it was fun, randomly going around Mumbai, hopefully not torturing her with a lot of market(ing) thingy!! It was just great to catch up.  Kashvi and I go back to the initial blogging days (about good 6-7 years back) and oh boy, I have seen this girl change (in a good way), I see a confident girl (with her drama intact), I see traits in her that make me proud of her. It takes strength to just live the life that we are living and it takes another level of conviction to take it head on, to be able to take decisions and to be proud of them. I am super proud of you darling and world is your oyster.. Go for it!!

There is nothing in this world that makes me happier to know that I have friends who don't judge. Who talk. Without inhibition, and with a lot of love. It is on days like these that I count my blessings and hope and pray that there are more days when happiness is inhibited and pure!

The Chipped Nail Paint

It was this particular thing about the nail paint on my finger nails that used to irritate me the most. All through college and till about 5 months back I used to avoid putting nail paint on my finger nails. It was a pain to paint them, and then, more of a pain to see them chipped (It makes one look shabby), and then to take it off and to re-apply as necessary.

This newest fad of mine, makes me think of how far have I come from being who I was. This of course is not the only thing that has made me think that I have "changed".

I feel, that I am no more that person who was happy, dappy and had a carefree attitude to the world. This of course being a down side of always being at home and always being under the shadow. This care free attitude being one of the downside. The other being that you were always under the scanner. Always in the bracket of the "Girl who (does/ does not) disappoint". Trust me when I say that, I always wanted to tick the does not disappoint box. And it is a hard task at that. Because, that obviously means putting what the other person wants before what you want. And, there are enough posts with those recollections.
But.
Now.
I.
AM.
STUCK.

I can't make a single decision without putting too many variables at play. It is like: "I think, the best solution to rid ourselves of the packing boxes in the house are to invest in a  couple of cane storage solutions".
Variable "Expenses: How much will it cost. (Of course, I won't know till I go and ask); But then I assume that even if it is 500 Rs a Piece.. Is it worth the fucking investment."

Variable: "How will I get it? Will I be able to pull it off? What if no one likes it?"
And therefore, that can storage space solution has not happened till now. And, NOW that we are almost at September, and the lease gets over in February. Couple of months. Chuck it.

Problem: "Husband's health"
"I promise myself each day that I will not hound him about his sugar issues. I will do what is in my hands. Therefore, I put the medicines out for him each night for the following day, and hope to God that he does not forget to take them"
There are so many what if's scenarios that keep playing in my head so far as Husband's sugar issues are concerned that it is maddening to even think to think about those issues. I am turning a deliberate blind with super heavy heart.

Problem "Career"
Mine. Obviously. Husband's finally on track. I needn't reiterate on the problems that I am facing in my current situation. But, I have been recently told that "I should not compare myself with the lawyers in the firm and that I am good in Business Development and should concentrate on that" That particular statement has shook me to my core. As a matter of fact, it has broken me worse than what I-AMC did.
Variables here at play are "Money. Location. Learning Curve and Career Growth". And "Husband's job. Family" and Finally NOT fucking up this time round. I am so tired of making wrong decisions that I can't believe myself at all.

Problem "Who am I?"
Husband is to blame for this. I never tasted wanderlust, till I got married and now, I just can't get over it. I want a stable house. A place that I can come home to at the end of the day/ end of a trip.. But I wanna be able to travel. To taste some adventure, here and there and to be able to tell it all. But not worry about the dwindling bank account either.
Identity crisis galore.

Problem "Health"
I need to loose weight. There is no "do-raha" to that. How do I do it.. that is another question altogether.

"Procrastination"
I am myself wondering how did I get this post up at all.

It is like, I wanna just rewind things. And, make some correct assessments.  But since this is life and not a media player, I need to come up with a plan to revamp my life without unbalancing the equation.
How. Dunno!