Thursday, June 18, 2009

Where is the EXIT??

I can hardly see a thing...
nothing absolutely nothing is clear to me.
I have been sitting home for a month and I have done exactly nothing productive.
My professional life is anyway always in a mess... and I am not exactly spending my sunsets at the beach as far as my personal life goes.
It is complicated you see.. because Shayon is in his ' I am not in a socialising mood... don't feel like talking or anything...' thus- My phone calls are ignored mostly... its only on loads and loads of persuasion that he talks to me- JUST as a mere formality. Not that he doesn't admit, he does as a matter of fact apologises for this 'phase' of his and yeah.. that is about it. I have no idea where am I headed.... The only thing that I wonder is- That ok, fine, you have mood swings... I do too... you don't want me to interfere that is also fair... but I truly hope that you realise the hurt that you cause me... everytime you talk to me with that Fake smile and ' I am ok' attitude. (I know this is harsh... But I have to vent it out somewhere).
I am learning to live with this. I hope that I am able to do it.

I have an application form... stuck at ONE point... and NO ONE mind you NOT ONE person there is who has helped me do those write ups.. its a form for a job in one of the world's biggest law firms... I don't want it to get rejected... But alas- Be it Shayon or My dad... they simply file it away for 'later' and then... when the deadline will be close as hell... I will get a scolding... Waah- Life ho toh aisi...!!!
Ah- My dad and one Advocate friend of theirs are on their way to start a project... I will hopefully get the permission to tell the details later- But that is the only piece of professional work that I have, RESEARCH.

And- Today- I got slapped with a fine of Rs. 200 as the overdue charge for the Liberary books. I am officially bankrupt- I have twenty rupees in my wallet and that is about it. The last saved money that I had, I spent it on a Movie and lunch with my Best friend. Dad had outright refused to gimme money... I have no balance in my phone.. (waise bhi kaun mujhe phone karta hai... or that I call) I have no money AT all.

I have a stupid dance show... in which I am just dancing... and there is nothing special about it.
My personal life is a mess.. my professional life looks like its fall into pieces... and just when I thought that I am going to be strong and make sure that I am not going to loose it all- I am loosing it... COMPLETELY.
There is nothing to really look forward to... each day goes off like any other day... I have no schedule... I have tried... but doesn't work out somehow... Dad takes off to the office... My younger sister has her stupid group... who keep on calling the whole day and with the new found freedom thanks to her phone, she is on and on, my Mom is just cleaning.. she is hyper about it... and its irritating.. she doesn't care if I am still sleeping.. she would start off clean this.. clean that...!!!
And if nothing else, my grandmother likes to taunt me the whole day- Oh! so you are awake... Oh, you decided to take a bath...
Its just getting on my nerve and I have no ESCAPE whatsoever...
And when I say I am tired of all this- Shayon takes it otherwise... and in my irritated version I shout at most of the family members... I have stopped liking to do anything... I am going in a very wrong phase... I hate it and I cannot find a way out this labyrinth that is building around me...


Jack said...


What happened? Why so much in negative? Why not write for that form in draft and show it to your father? Start taking active part in household management with your mother and you will see the difference. Shayon must be busy in his work so why not call at convenient time, say in the evening or little later? Try to look at positive side that you have so much of time to learn many things which you may like to. If you wish you may write to me and I may be able to suggest some outlets for your bubbling energy.

Take care

Sakshi said...

You are very sweet Uncle J.. I will reply to all of your questions...but in a post.