Monday, March 14, 2011

Just another post on Marriage!


Marriage.
Yes, I have written a lot about marriage. Not of others but wanting to have mine. I am a very wedding person. Ask my newest colleague and she will any day certify me to be the most Wedding crazy person.
Two of my cousins are getting married this year and one of them happens to be 22. She is working and earning like crazy. And there was another cousin who got married in January, and he also turned 22 (he ended up getting married to his high school sweetheart so she was also 22 at the time of marriage.) At this Cousin’s marriage we were all laughing about how the poor guy is in a hurry to get married and how he is being subjected child marriage.

I also remember the fact that, when I had turned 18, every one around me teased me that now my turn is near and that by the time my Bua was 21 she was already a mother. Just to clear the records- That did not stop her from pursuing her studies and having her career. She is the Vice President in a HUGE company, and trust me, her reasons for getting married at that young age were simple and straight- Her boyfriend was 9 years elder to her and had he waited another couple of years for her to finish her graduation and et all, the relationship would not have culminated into a marriage, leaving lots of heart broken.

Marriage, I believe is a very conscious decision that two people, especially the ones who choose their own partners make. Sometimes, due to the huge age difference and other times, because you would rather be with your partner/ lover, you want to get married. I know a friend of mine (she is a blogger now hibernating) who got married and she was 20 at that time. And I also remember the kind of thunderous response the blogosphere gave her when she announced that she intends to get married that early in her life.

For some weird reason, there is a stuck notion in the hearts and the minds of people, particularly girls, that, there is nothing more to life after marriage. That all your life you have to be stuck with chulha-chokha  and taking care of your in-laws/ parents.
My question is, that if you have chosen for your self, your Mr. Right, and then you have not even talked to him about how you expect your marriage to work, of course, marriage will become more of a hurdle rather than a value addition, wherein at the end of the day, you have the person you love to go back to without making any excuses from your parents (if you used to when you dated).
It is also a fact that things change after marriage, of course they do, every day, every second, you make a decision things change around you. Then why wouldn’t they, when you take such a major step and step into a new life!! Why do you have to throw the rationality out of the window when you decide to get married?

Have you also wondered, how the parents get all antsy about your marriage when you reach a certain age, especially when you are not dating anybody?? How, OMG, you are getting older gets on their nerves. Yes, there is the primitive mind set of marrying off the kids at a nice ripe young age, but there is a little rationale behind it.. *Ok, this rationale was explained to me by my grandfather*, he used to tell me that most of the divorce cases that came to him were of the couple who got married in their late twenties or early thirties and now are facing problems. *Mind you, the concept of mediation came up much later* He used to say that, the more late in your life you get married, the harder it is for you to adjust to the newer surroundings and newer people, because so much of your life has been spent in a certain way, the teething becomes sorely bad, when the time lapse increases. And to think about it, it does make sense. To an extent.
Nowdays, of course there are other factors that contribute not to the genuine incompatibleness of the couple but to the battle of their egos, that lead to more complications.
But, I personally believe, that marriage is a bond in it self. There was a reason why it was a called a Sacrament, or cheesier still, the ‘saat janamon ka saath’ concept was in existence, because ‘nibhaani padti hai’ there are adjustments in everything that you do. And, if you are confident about the partner that you have chosen, or in cases where the parents have chosen the partner, you are confident about him/her, then why not give yourself a chance and enter into it with an open mind, rather than thinking about- what compromises you would have to do. Or for that matter the kind of expectations that are there from both sides.
In a new set up, a new situation, the probability of anything and everything going wrong is 100%, but it is upto you to enter into your new life with an open mind and an open heart… yes it is a process of re-learning of a lot of things, but it also a process of making the other family a part of what you have also learnt over the years. It is rather like an education where each is learning about the other, in a very novel perspective!!!
So take a leap of faith, have trust and believe in love!! J  

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PS: I have no idea why did I end up writing such a huge post on marriage. Its a sermon more than a post, and if you are reading this- then thanks for bearing it! :)  
  

38 comments:

Shayon said...

you know, the explanation that your grandfather gave about the advantages of getting a son/daughter married early in life makes a very plausible case. What screws things up is when a "preference" gets transformed into a "mandate". Because, at the end of the day, one's own wishes should rule the consequences, and not a tradition.

As I had mentioned to you earlier, I find marriage superbly over rated. Forget the romantics. If you ever ask other advocates of marriage about their love towards the "institution", their first response would be that it gives a legal sanction to everything the couple owns. It makes a relationship legally legitimate. And what pains me is the fact that it's the truth. I find it sad that it's more important for the law to legitimize a relationship, than the people concerned, themselves. And especially in a country like India, during the so-called "modern times", if you don't wanna marry someone, it's a sure shot translation of "the relationship is just a timepass".

Sakshi said...

If legal sanction of the possession of the couple's property is the case, then owing by the recent judgments of the Supreme Court, even live-ins now have a legal sanctions and they are to be treated as a marriage in the eyes of law. Under certain set of circumstances of course.

I know my concept of marriage is totally bad, I want to get married coz of the wedding ceremonies, but then, I am sure that, there is more to it than just having the power to legally divide your assets!

ani_aset said...

although getting married for the sake of wedding ceremonies seriously needs a second thought..in my opinion if the couple has to stay together, they will..all marriage does according to me is it makes them stretch enough whenever they have a discord so as to resolve their issue rather than take the easy way out and make a mockery of the institution they believed in

Sakshi said...

@Ani,
I know, I have lost it. But you've hit the nail :) Yes, marriage gives you that elasticity where it is required rather than just walking off..!!

Shayon said...

@Aniruddh: What you exactly meant was - rather than letting the relationship itself decide how far should a couple "stretch" to accommodate each other, we need a chain to bind them together, so that it becomes more difficult to get out of it? I am confused. Why do we need an external force to intervene in matters of the heart?

@Saxi: Sure the law has been modified in recent times. But then again, that 377 has also been repealed. How many mentalities did these actions manage to change, in reality?

Sakshi said...

See, what I think, Ani was trying to say here was that, if the relationship does not have a legal sanction like marriage or a relationship in the nature of marriage then the responsibility quotient goes down. You can just about leave the other person without being answerable to them. On the other hand, if you are married you can do the same, leave without answering, but then you have the law to press your right for an answer. Also marriage affords to give you a sense of security both in terms of physical and emotional aspects of the relationship.
In a country like India where even marital rape happen, if this sanction of the society is removed, all that will be left of our society would be polygamous relationships. Even today when there is marriage a major percentage of the marriages dissolve because of cheating. Just imagine a place where there is no answerability??

Bikramjit said...

everything has a good and bad point depends what you do with the situation ..

I feel that if we treat each other as we ourself would love to ne treated then life can be much more happier .. it doesnot matter what age one gets married if we are true and respectful and genuinly Love and do everything to accomodate and co-operate with each other then all will be fine ..

Whats age got to do with it all.. legality and all is a CRAP.. and its just to make sure wrong does not take place ..

If two people are happy then who cares I beleive myself that marraige is very sacred and one shud take it seriously .. and I still beleive it happens only once in a lifetime :)

but things have changed people are more concerned with who they sleep with .. what they do and all the blah blah blah ...

Bikram's

Sakshi said...

@ Bikram
I agree that if we treat each other, like the we want ourselves to be treated, then, all the problems will just vanish.

Age well, I still say it is a perspective. You may think 19 is too early or 27 is too old, doesn't really matter. What matters is that, you trust your own self to be with the person you are getting married to and that you are going to stick through thick and thin, then there should not be a problem at all :)

Jack said...

Sakshi,

Your grandfather is right to a large extent. It is a fact that as one grows older one gets little too rigid in his or her outlook also. However age being no hurdle it is the basic thinking of a person which leads to happy or successful marriage. I read a saying by one of bloggers about what makes marriage work. She said instead of finding perfect partner one should try to be perfect partner. Adjustments are needed not only from both partners but from their parents and siblings too. Few cardinal principles are - to forgo ego, have trust & faith, give space and last but not the least two way logical communication. Physical compatibility too counts but after these. I read some of the comments. Our forefathers were wise to make marriage a compulsion for a couple to live together. Marriage is not just two persons living together but it is coming together of both families too. We talk of live in and legalities, if we think honestly without any bias is it not that most of live in starts with physical aspect and what stops a person in live in to walk out once he or she gets attracted to another person? I do agree that both partners have to apply their mind fully before commtting.

Take care

Take care

Jack said...

Sakshi,

I missed out in my previous comment. Marriage does not at all mean CHULHAA CHOKAA for the girl. She actually assumes DOUBLE responsibility - career and HOME, speciall once they have children. Home is made by LADY of the house. Our grandchildren always refer to our house as NANI house or DADI house and I think it may be true in most of the families.

Take care

Bloody Mary said...

Sakshi, there would be only thing that I'd like to say that making a house into a home is not just that woman's responsibility and it is this very thought which makes marriage tough on them. The entire concept of women being natural 'nuturers' because they have the ability of giving birth to a child is extremely dismissive. I love children but what if I don't want to have one of my own, it makes me less of a woman? What if I am at the end of the day equally tired like my husband after doing all that work at office, should it be my responsibility to make it comfortable for everyone back at the house because hey i 'make' the home. No, I dont agree to that. As much as I believe in family and relationships, I also believe that being so rigid and restrictive makes life difficult for people. For marriage you should know that it will involve compromise and yes both for you and your husband, the family should come first. But it should not be only your concern to make it all warm and homely, he has to pitch in as well.

Shayon said...

@Sakshi
Frankly, I think the only person you should be answerable to is your partner/spouse. No one else. Not the parents. Not the Friends. Not the law. Other than the two people concerned, no one else should have a business in the relationship.
Moreover, if a relationship isn't good enough to make you feel secured, both emotionally and physically, then maybe that particular marriage is already down the drain, even before it happened. Time to look for a new boyfriend ;-)

Shayon said...

Uncle J
Just a tip. Saxi too calls it "Nani House" ;-)

Ria said...

Yes i do agree with what ur grandfather has said and it is true to a gr8 extent. Personally speaking i dont think there's any particular age to get married. Yes, one should knw what they r goin in for and they shud be ready to take the responsiblity of each other. Marriage is a wonderful thing especially if u r marrying the person u love. :)

P.S. I got married last month. :D

Shayon said...

Wow! Now we have a gender war too!

@Bloody Mary
Got three questions for you -

1. How do you think your parents' thoughts would be, if you and your husband decided to stay at your parents house itself, after getting married?

2.And why do you think we have special reservations (in trains and buses) for women, but not men?

3. How would you feel if your boyfriend decides to wear a saree to one of your friend's birthday party?

Wicked Witch of the West said...

Too tired to write much but:

1) You are totally the opposite of me in wanting to get married for the ceremonies - this was what I always despised, saw as a waste of money, and wanted to avoid. I am odd I know - but then I also feel that if marriage is about 'love' between two people, then it should be a private matter for them, not something so publicly celebrated and with such an outward focus.

2) Marriage really has been about property and power - joining of lands to make a viable farm, alliances of families to give them greater collective power etc. Love in marriage is such a recent concept. Not that it didn't exist - but that it was rarely the reason for marrying in many cases. At many times and in many places, romantic love was actually considered to be generally and normally with other than the marriage partner.

3) Despite my own views of marriage (to me it is the commitment/connection of two people that is most important, not something that has been distorted by involvement by religions and state)...I do totally approve of your own marital aspirations, and hope they are fulfilled soon of course...with reasonable hope at least to you by the time of the wedding later this year.

4) I do think there is some logic to what your grandfather said - when young, we are still finding our way in the world and our independence, not yet set in habits and preferences for independent living. Once older, particularly after a period of independent, or relatively independent living, we have established our preferences and habits, and so would definitely find it harder to adjust with anyone not extremely compatible.

5) I didn't really need number, but I like them...when you are an accountant it goes with the territory..:D

Shayon said...

@W3
That was your "not so much"? *chokes himself and dies*

Wicked Witch of the West said...

Haha, well I was too tired to write much, but I did...no doubt tomorrow I will look back and feel dismayed at how incoherent (and rambling :D) I was.

Me said...

I understand what your grandpa told you. It DOES hold valid.

But like you said, to each his own.

Beautiful post. I liked reading about marriage in back to back posts :)

Sakshi said...

@ BloodyMary
Yay!! Finally I was able to to write a post on which you commented!! :P
Should write more like these!!! :)

Yes, I agree, that just because you are married does not mean that you should have all the responsibility and that you should make time for your ownself too!! :)

Sakshi said...

@Shayon
Tell me how can you not be answerable to your own parents?
Yes, I know that they should trust your decisions and everything, but are our parents only there to give us birth and money when we need it? So if one of the two people involved in the relationship has a problem and they are unable to solve it.. and need to discuss it to find a problem, they should pay the money and go to a Councillor rather than talking to your own parents.

Also, a relationship may make you feel all secured, but there are temptations out there and it is a fact that you get tempted and you tend to deviate. And if you are in a relationship that makes you feel all secured but at the end of the you are not answerable for your actions, then what good is that security??

Sakshi said...

@Uncle J
Hi! :) Absolutely, the cardinal principles are just those, for any relationship, not just the one involving love and marriage.

And yes, it is always the lady's house.. the man just pays the bills ;)

Sakshi said...

@Ria
OMG, Congrats :) on your marriage.. :)I really wish that you are having loads of fun in this new phase of life :)
And thanks for reiterating my point of view!!! :)

Sakshi said...

@WWW
You wrote an entire post to answer mine!! But for you too, am glad that something instigated you leave a few kind words here!! :P

1) Actually, a lot of people including Shayon finds its a waste of money. But, I personally feel, that marriage is a celebration of your happiness, and yes, some of the rituals are old and weird, but then they are there to make you feel special on your day. And what is wrong in sharing your happiness with the ones you usually do? Going by 'despising the celebration through ceremonies', then wouldn't partying be a waste too?
You always part with your friends, and when yu get a chance to include your family in that celebration especially when you are starting a whole new chapter of your life, especially the people who have been a part of your life till now- I don't think it is unfair!!

2. There is a reason why bigamy is a criminal offence in India ;)

3. Thanks a ton, all fingers crossed!!

4. Bingo to this one :)

I also don't like numbering my paragraphs, but in my profession too, replies are made in numbered paras!! :)

Sakshi said...

@ME
Thanks a ton for dropping by to leave a comment!! I seemed to have stirred a lot of thinking bells in this post!!
HUGS!

Shayon said...

@Sakshi
...Tell me how can you not be answerable to your own parents?...
If tomorrow, may God forbid, your parents figure out that their relationship ain't working, despite all their efforts...would you still suggest them to stay together and suffer JUST BECAUSE you want them to stay together?

...So if one of the two people involved in the relationship has a problem and they are unable to solve it.. and need to discuss it to find a problem, they should pay the money and go to a Councillor rather than talking to your own parents....
This is solicited advice. If you notice re-read my comment, I was referring to unsolicited advice.

... And if you are in a relationship that makes you feel all secured but at the end of the you are not answerable for your actions...
If I am in a 6 year old relationship, and still go out and sleep with someone else, you are telling me that I am answerable to no one?

...And what is wrong in sharing your happiness with the ones you usually do?...
Absolutely, nothing wrong. But I have a question for you. How many of your "friends & family" would be keen to celebrate your wedding with you, even if you tell them you aren't paying for their fooding and lodging since you don't have much money, and wanna save whatever you have got, especially since wedding is an important change in your life that needs a whole lot of nurturing? Would your "friend and family" still be happy about your marriage?

Sakshi said...

@Shayon
After 25 years they realize that it is not working? Well, then, I definitely gonna put them through counselling and push them to resolve rather than walk away.

Oh, so if your mother tells you not to put your hand in the flame without you asking her, because it is for your own good, that advise is not taken? Similarly, if the parents/in-laws see that you are doing something stupid should they just shut up and not tell you to rectify their stupidity and let the relationship go to hell?

Yes you are in a 6 year old relationship, and you walk out of it, I ask you to answer me, talk to me and come back to me, can I force you to answer me? If you decide not to, you will not. But if I am married and you do exactly the same thing, I may not be able to get you back, but I can atleast by an action of restitution make you answerable to your actions of deserting me.
I was not talking about the magnitude of the wedding, I was talking about the sharing of happiness. Tell me if that was the case, why did Dip do a whole religious thingy? He did it na? Did it later, but he did.

Wicked Witch of the West said...

Well, I don't know about there, but here the absolute minimum for a wedding is 20 times the cost of a party. And the average is many, many times more. I also don't throw parties, except for my kids birthdays. And the cost for a bridesmaid or groomsperson (I have been both) is between 1 and 5 times as much as a very decent party. For some people, who value it, and who will not be much set back in home ownership by it, they may find it worthwhile. And while I enjoy event planning a lot, I really did not enjoy my wedding at all - and have enjoyed only two of the weddings I have been to (one a very small family wedding of about 30, one where it was just a great casual atmosphere and more like a party - which I think is what you are hoping for from distant memory :D). For me, mine was not worthwhile, but a very small wedding in a different location may have been. I don't see where I mentioned 'unfair' - If someone wants to spend a lot on having a wedding, that is their business - we all have different values, and if that is what they value, that is fine (just as I value travel, which many do not), as long as it is not imposed on others (I don't know if you have such a thing as the 'bridezilla' there? - have not heard of any such thing in the Indian context, but it is very much something you see here(as a close friend just experienced, being bridesmaid for someone who expected a rivercruise, a hens night, and a kitchen tea, on top of 25,000 Rs spent on bridesmaid dress, plus expenditure on shoes, makeup, hair, gifts for kitchen tea, wedding and engagement, and even purchase of an outfit for the bride).

I have been assured that Indian weddings are much more fun, by someone I consider very reliable in judgment, but I (and most of my friends) find the weddings here in general super boring and stilted, plus the whole white dress thing does not appeal (Indian wedding outfits are sooo much prettier, and of course the mehendi is awesome).

Sakshi said...

@WWW
Yes, Indian Weddings are AWESOME fun!!! :P

Shayon said...

Sure... as long as the wedding ain't yours!

Wicked Witch of the West said...

Ah, but even yours could surely be fun Shayon as long as you do your own thing a little - it totally sucks when all others are having fun but not the bride and groom.

And lol Sakshi, of course I totally consider you reliable in judgment too so am now fully convinced :P

suruchi said...

my god...27 comments!!!!!!!!
i guess we like you giving sermons...
please just shut up and marry fast...i need an excuse to come and meet you guys:-)

it is all very subjective at the end of the day...for some, marriage is the end of all and for others just the beginning...we cannot all be at the same end of the horizon, na?:-)

enjoyed the take though...
and u argue as well as though this was in court:-)
yes, my lord

Rohit Dassani said...

I too would certify you as a Wedding person!! congrats....!! happy to know ur true feeling! Sometime it comes as a obligations....and things really go out of hand!!

Sakshi said...

@Su
And, I was missing your comment here :)
You btw, need no excuse to come and meet me. Just come. Only condition is that See has to be with you.

Sakshi said...

@Rohit
Thanks, for the certifying :P

Bloody Mary said...

1. How do you think your parents' thoughts would be, if you and your husband decided to stay at your parents house itself, after getting married?

That is out of the question when I wouldn't be staying with them, I have my own life, my own job and a place to hit the sack.

2.And why do you think we have special reservations (in trains and buses) for women, but not men?

Definitely because they think women need reservations. I am *strongly* against it. I think I can do without it. But do I really have a choice when it is enforced by law( eg: admissions to universities). No I don't, why ? Because it is already assumed that I need it and I cannot do without it.

3. How would you feel if your boyfriend decides to wear a saree to one of your friend's birthday party?

Sorry,I dont date crossdressers.

Bloody Mary said...

If talking about responsibilities with your spouse with an open mind means thats its a gender war well then I really have nothing to say to you.

Its very easy for you to sit there and exclaim that, not because men suffer less when it comes to gender discrimination but because your poor intellect allows you that limited space.

I can safely say that I am strong enough and I dont need reservations. But that would be quite selfish, because I am not the only girl in India. There are different situations and yes for some women it is extremely difficult. It sounds idealistic to fight against reservation which pronounces inequality in an even finer tone. But some women need it and they do deserve which may not include me or the girls you know. Just because we do not face problems regarding gender/caste does not really mean that the other person does not. If you can't do anything to help, at least do not sit back and mock.

And lastly your exclamation 'wow, now a gender war too' just shows how little you understood of what I said. Its a pity, really.

♪♪HARINI♪♪ said...

Loved the post! I've never read a post on this side of the story.. it was always how girls are married off at a young age.
I totally agree with you and your grandfather :P