How am I special?

I thought that I was special, 

the best friend, the girl who is just, 

always there, 

the girlfriend, and the wife. 

But I am just another person, 

just "a friend", and just someone, 

who exists, because, they just do. 

If I was special, you would have cared, 

about meeting me more than the wedding,

that you are invited to, 

after all you are meeting me after 4 months. 

Or is it not too much time? 

If I was special, you would do something, 

anything. 

If nothing, then at least you won't, 

categorise me with everyone else, 

or, anyone else.

I thought, that I held, 

a piece of your heart and imagination, 

but, it seems, that all you hold of me is, 

the person that I am trying to be, 

despite and inspite what the circumstances hold. 

I am not even special, to my own self, 

I don't have a central role, in my own, 

life story, 

I see life pass by, as is. 

The progress, not very great, 

prognosis, even worse. 

I silently, accept, my place, 

in your lives, and in mine, 

in the background, behind the cupboard, 

buried, with old things. 

to be taken out, and dusted off, 

at everyone's will and convenience. 

to be left as a wallflower, behind closed doors. 

Year End Saga - When Friends become Mothers

I have been away for a quite a while, which by no measure meant that I had forgotten about my beloved blog. On the contrary - I missed writing.
However, busy times, kept me away.

But, I can't end a year without really recounting the highlights of the year that has gone by. And as we close another year, here is my take on my year that has gone by!

***

One month after I moved back to Delhi (which was 2 years back), my BFF announced that she was pregnant. I was immensely happy for her. Extremely sad for myself. The bombs of, your best friend is having a baby and you are not was about to explode. I was prepared at that time because, I was not 30, we had just moved and we were still trying to find our feet.
2016 came and went. My BFF had the cutest baby boy, lets call him Baby G. He is 1.5 years old now, and the assaults (yes, I'll use that term!) have only increased.

That is because, most of my friends and even my cousins who got married a year and two later than what we did planned their families and all, I have done this year is brought too many baby gifts, and attended a humiliating baby shower, and then a subsequent celebration of the baby once that baby was born.
A certain cousin of mine, who got married in 2009 (I think); also had babies this year. She had twin boys! And she was my only salvation, and salvo to the attack of the "Why No baby" bomb.

But here is a realisation that I had after all these people had babies- That their lives just stopped there. Or maybe began again.. (perspectives). My BFF complains that we don't meet often. She does not understand the fact that I can't really "meet-meet" her when she is at home (either her home or her parents' home), because her focus is only on Baby G, who is at the age of clinging to his mother. When we do meet out, it is for power lunches (where I step out of my office, and she drops Baby G to her Mom's for baby sitting). If there is a lunch other than on office days, then every 15 minutes she is accessing the nanny cams for checking in on Baby G.

It is the same with all other new parents around me, they are consistently busy with their babies, the whatsapp and facebook updates revolves around their babies all the time. Trying to find a time to meet them is a task.
And just like that, I am pretty friendless in the 2 years that I have moved.

Babies have become quite a touchy topic around our families as well. With cousins popping babies, even family functions have become a disdain. It is painful to hear the drones of the "WHY NO BABY" of the elders and every other being there.

My Mother thought that we moved back to Delhi because we were planning a family. She has been the most disappointed of the lot. My FIL is always disappointed in us, so I can't say whether he is more disappointed about the "No Baby" situation, or about any thing else that we did not live upto.

Husband's family (extended one that is) have also not spared us.

Last year has been one landmine after the other. Its like playing minesweeper in real life. Not only avoiding the baby bombs, but then trying to make light of the situation, and diffusing it off.

It is weird that this year, our identity has been mixed and nixed because we are the no baby people.

I came to realise, that right now the friends including the BFF, are so into their babies that even though we are close, there is a barrier that has been made. I am not the friend with whom you can discuss your child or your woes about that child, because I don't have one, and I won't *really* understand what you are going through.
I will never understand, your compulsion to check the baby monitor, and the obsession about "I want to buy abc/xyz for Baby G".

It is like a secret society, which you can see, but can't really be a part of. When friends become mothers, they only get busier for the next 20 years. First its the sleepless nights, then the clingy phase, then the schools, the homeworks, the projects, the exam. You can be the cool aunt, but they are just friends, and you are not family, so all the updates are latent, and all the conversations are about a million things that their child does, and about all that I am missing, because I am not Mom.

This year has been such a massive learning in this regard. And I am so disappointed with my own self for having expectations.

So here is hoping that in the coming year, there is more to talk about other than the babies! 

At first there was light

At first there was light,
and I was born,
into a world where,
I was awaited,
with baited breath, and
a lot of drama.

Its a girl,
our family gynea announced,
and that was a reason to celebrate,
a sister to my first cousin bros,
the first grandchild for my maternal grandparents,
and the first born of my parents.

I was spoilt,
not with money,
but with love,
my bua, my mamas, my dadu, dadi et all.

Life went on,
and then I grew up,
from tantrums to responsibility,
from the first born to an elder sister,
it was like a shock.

School, college,
and then there was the job,
a professional I had become,
because I did Law.

Somewhere in between,
engineering and law,
I fell in love, deep and hard.
Its been over a decade, but,
often times I look at him,
and I wonder in awe,
yes, I still have butterflies,
which flutter, unannounced.

Life as I knew it, had to change,
again, because change is the only constant,
it reminds again and again.
The love soon translated into
a societal norm,
a proposal happened,
and soon it was time to tie,
the knot.

Time flies yet again,
and I can't believe,
its been 5 years hence..
a time leap, I feel, but each year,
etched is etched in me,
like a stone that has been marked.

I try to hold time,
close my eyes, and hold on tight,
but past is just a dream,
that knit the present,
and put it together.

There is more to be conquered,
but, I don't know if I have the fight,
left in me, to make it past the night,
but each day comes with a new hope,
and each hour, I conquer,
I rejoice,
for life is a gift,
that I must appreciate, and live
it like there is no tomorrow,
with a smile, and a heart of a lion!

Yeh Hai Mumbai Meri Jaan

We are often lamenting about things that are not right, without appreciating the things that are right. This is my biggest realisation of turning 31.

I am sitting in my niece's bedroom in Mumbai. In the last two days that I have been here, my heart is being pressed so hard that it is not even funny.  It reminds me of the days when I was interning in Mumbai, and for me there was nothing better than this city. To be honest- when they say the Bombay is a feeling. I know it. I believe it.

My relationship with Bombay is complex. This is the city, where I learnt to be independent at the age of 4, when my great-aunt told me that I could pick out my own clothes and could take my own baths, and leave my hair open all I want. This is also the city, where I learnt the true essence of house parties, and the fact that even if I have to get up at 5 in the morning to travel for a couple of hours, a party on a weekday is not a bad idea at all.

This is also the city that brought me to my knees. A city, where tiny living spaces far far away were the only ones that one could afford and sunshine or rains or even a massive hangover doesn't stop anyone in this city. There is a resilience here that gives it strength. Like someone recently told me, Mumbai is a city where even if you are broke you can have fun. Might I add, that once we grow up the broke fun doesn't cut it anymore. That is why the complicated relationship.

I could have easily passed off Mumbai as Bangalore, where we have friends and family, and which is a great party spot with hopeless traffic, if I had not lived here. Like it was home, at several points of my life.

If I had to re-do my relationship with Mumbai, would I change anything? Would I want this to work out? Would I do something differently?

I don't think I would. I have been thinking about the past. A lot. Especially closer to the birthday. I always do that, helps me plot my growth. I have in the past told the Husband, that I wish we could have done things differently. But- today when I sat to write this out- I realised that I would not have been writing this post about the bitter sweet memories of Mumbai had we not indulged the way that we did, without a care. Our decisions at those times bore fruits. We have best of the people (Yes, because Mumbai does have the best of the people, and believe me when I say that most of the best of Delhi people also stay here, hence Delhi is left with too little of them!) as our friends. And I say "our" friends because of all the memories and the moments that both Husband and I spent with his friends.

There is however something that I would change. My attitude. I always had fun. But, I was always riddled with guilt later. I started attaching a lot more importance and impact (negative one at that) to certain things/situation than what was required, instead of purely enjoying that moment, and preserving it in my memory- just as that- a pure moment of joy.
But other than that, I will not change a thing (maybe a year extra at Juhu ;)) .

Delhi will always be home. With the tiffs, tribulations and a lot diplomatic acts. And Mumbai, was and continues to remain- Meri Jaan. Will it ever be "home" again? I don't know. I do know that, Mumbai will always play an important part in our lives. We are inter- twined. At a spiritual level.

At 31, you realise a meaning of deeper connection, as you move forth with your life at a different pace, with different goals. But there certain places and people who are your anchors, and Mumbai will always be that anchor.

Thank you, for the great Birthday weekend, Mumbai. 

Adulting 101

It is March 31 today. And I hope that all the adults who fall in the tax bracket have already made their last minute tax savings and have also decided, what to do, and what not to do in the coming year. I did mine like in the beginning of this week, and I feel thouroughly accomplaished. It was pretty last minute too, but atleast, it was not like running with a cheque like a lost chicken on 31st itself. I consider that to be adulting. Or at least a part of it.

A recent research says that millenials (like me), have a median age of 30, and they start considering themselves as adults only when they turn 30. Which is mighty interesting. Because, while I remember being 25 and carefree, I also remember turning 30 and all of a sudden, panicking becuase it felt (and still feels like) that time is slipping and now you are on the other side of time (if there is anything like that). All of a sudden you see friends (some even younger then you), who have become parents and are responsible for another human life, and you delay taking your dog to the clinic by 1 whole week, even wehn she is in pain. You see, how people are buying new cars, going for the fancy holidays, and how you can't even maintain a proper grocery list, and forget savings, you don't even know how to budget your household properly. You see people and how their life is together, and you still struggle, in keeping yourself and your sanity together.
There are of course exception to these friends. But, if I have to be honest, I know that all of them would be struggling with something or the other, but, they have that one thing that is sorted in their life. Be it their career or be it their personal life. They have something, to hold on to. Unlike, me right now, where each day is like an exam in adulting.

But what I have come to realise esapecially in the last couple of months, that there are somethings that have to become a deliberate practice for all this adulting to happen, and it does not include throwing dinner parties like an adult! Here is a tentaive list from my tiny experience, in case you are looking for one that is.

1. Expectations: None. Nil. Nada. It is very important to train yourself, that you cannot expect anything from anyone, and on some days, even from your ownself. But that is the truth of it all. And the mantra for a relationship like marriage and all the ancilliary realtionships that come along with that. You have to be your own lover, and your own person. Your married BFF will always be too involved, and if she has a child, then the tables are turned, and you have more expectations to fulfill. Your partner will probably give you a shoulder to cry, but, when life happens, love goes. You can either make your ends meet or make your expectations of romance meet.

2. Only superheroes are in Movies: In real life, you have to just save your own world, and the rest will have to wait today. Life becomes an endless loop of to-do lists, whether it is office assignments or getting things done for home.

3. Accept: The game of tell me why got over with your childhood. Somethings have to be accepted. Like the fact that despite all your persuation, you will have to attend parties on your own, and family functions by yourself. The flaws become imminent, and that is when your relationships are tested. You are some times not only supposed to take the blame for yourself and your actions, often the actions of the partner are also put on your head. Accepting that as a part of your life and moving on helps. It also helps to accept the fact that, when they say that women always assert themselves in a man-woman relationship and call the shots, it is wrong, and you as your own person, cannot judge your relationship based on that myth.

4. Choices: You have to bear the brunt of your own choices. Even if that means, choosing to put your career on the backfoot for family or your relationship. But that does not in any way mean that you have to feel bad about it. Yes, you would like to be appreciated about that fact, but that does not happen. The process to learn that your choices and the repercussions will always come to bite you of not today, but tomorrow should always weigh on your mind.

5. Letting Go: My introductory paragraphs talk about how I have measured myself against the standards and expectations with the yardstick of the society, and feel miserable about it. But the biggest process in the whole adulting scam is to let go. To just measure yourself againt your own self. I have deleted the facebook app on my phone. And that has helped immensely, and slowly I have come to realise that I need to focus on myself and just me too, and can't keep on looking at people and measuring my life. Notions have to be let go.

6. Sleep: While you want to party, and do so many things- you have to give up your sleep, and those lessons come in handy, when one has a baby.

7. Stress and worry: With Murphy working overtime to ensure that things just go wrong all the time, you are bombarded with stress- about work, career, life, relationships, money and everything under the sun. Adulting is like working under constant worry of why things go wrong because all of them go wrong, one way or the other.

Life as we know it, changes, as soon as we realise that one has to be a "responsible" adult. And while you let go of expectations, a whole load of them is put on you- always. My first tiny steps to adulting, and I wonder, what is it that they teach you in school in any case!!!  

I am Me : A woman's day special!

Like a tiny doll,

when I am born,

pampered and spoilt,

by father, mother, and brother alike.

From tales of princesses, and

the prince charming,

I am given barbies, and

kitchen sets to grow up with.

I am educated,

in the best of schools,

and there it is when I learn,

that a girl is more than,

the princess, and the vanity case,

given as gifts.

I learn about the gutsy women,

who dared to dream,

of women who fought battles,

discovered radium,

and touched the skies in their airplanes,

about a queen, who still rules,

and about a female PM,

who ran the largest democracy.

I learn to dream, and

I learn, about that little part,

in my heart, that wants to dare,

to break the shackles and stereotypes,

to love blue and not the pinks,

and to go out in the world,

to make a difference.

But when I do step out,

there is resistence, from the same,

father, mother, and brother,

who pampered me with all the love.

Then I learn to fight,

the shackles which come with,

the sheltered life.

In the next step, there are the others,

men who leer and lech,

men whose egos fragile as glass, and

women who feel that they deserve more, 

and a world which is same no more. 

But, I fight. 

At each step, 

to carve an identity, 

to feel the breeze, even if, 

it is ridden with salt, it is my own. 

I fight, against the 

prejudices and judgments against,

my clothes, 

my hair, 

my choice of men, 

my choice of having sex, 

my choice of marraige and babies, 

me being strong, but not stubborn. 

me being me, and not the other!

I look at myself, 

each day in the mirror, 

take a deep breath and vow, 

to hold my head high, to walk, 

in my heels, 

to wear that red lipstic, if I please, 

to ace that meeting, 

to party without a care, 

to argue on a point to make a point, 

to hold myself high, 

in my own eyes. 

Because I am a woman, 

I fight to survive, 

to take each breath, 

to choose battles, to win a war, 

and to live each moment, 

with feirce determination and a tender glow!

A journey of 12 Years

A contreversial book, 

with conspiracy galore, 

a social network website, 

with a book discussion group. 

A boy with a weird name, 

and theories totally insane, 

and a dialogue, which, 

involved a few, and then just the two. 

Friend requests exchanged, 

and tentative steps taken, 

and soon from the book, 

the discussions moved away, 

from the group to just the two. 

Soon, it was impossible to pass,

even a day without "chatting up", 

eventually, it were the phone numbers, 

that were finally exchanged. 

In between e-mails, 

chats, smses and phone calls, 

we realised, that we were in love. 

Not an infactuation, 

but in fact love. 

We had never met, and

had seen each other through, 

patchy web cams, 

and then it was time to meet, 

eight months after, 

for 2 days, that was a treat! 

Year on year, after that, 

we struggled, but we had faith, 

and an eternal hope, 

and finally we did fight the stars, 

the moon, the family, and what not, 

and almost 8 years later, 

plunged further. 

At the altar, when he waited, 

I could see, the smile that he, 

had hidden away, with a sense, 

of calm, and satisfaction, that finally, 

we are a family. 

And from that day on, we do have, 

more struggles, and the arguements, 

which seem to never end, 

but even after these 12 long years, 

a genuine conversation, a tight hug, 

and a gentle kiss, 

makes the world alright, 

even if it is for a moment (or two). 

We often compete, but, 

we know that no one but we, 

complete, each other, now, 

and forever. 

As we move into another year, 

I close my eyes, and 

reminisce, the night we decided, 

that it was love, 

not at first sight, but at a remark, 

in a group, on a website.. and 

that we were and are meant to be, 

together, 

Today, tomorrow and always!

The 30-30 List

So I have been 30 for a little over 6 months. And to say that turning 30 has had no major impact on me will be an understatement. Each day (okay, almost everyother day) I have been evaluating and re-evaluating my life and the life choices that I have made. All of a sudden the fact that I am a walkover hits harder than ever, and that losing weight has become imperative, and that it will not be as easy as it was earlier also makes me shudder.

Today, I came across a list on website called Vagabomb, and decided to adopt my own version of this about what I thought that I would be at 30 and what I am. This will be give me perspective and hopefully, help me too.

So here goes nothing:

1. My Own Car

Technically my dad bought me one, years ago, but it was him who paid for it, and I still haven't bought anything that is "costly" per say. I am married, and we do have a car, but then again, technically, it is not my car.

2. A Child

More like children. But then, maybe somethings are not meant to be.

3. A house

This is a joke. I think, the day I started earning and the day I started doing real estate transactions, I figured, I'll never ever be able to buy a house unless there is a windfall, and as luck would have it- No windfall. Then, I moved to Mumbai, and till the time there were no hopes for coming back, I cried my eyes out a lot because owning house in Mumbai meant starving yourself to death for a matchbox.

4. Savings

None. Nil. Nada. Whatever little I have, that is because my father forces me. Else, I am broke and am hardly making the ends meet.

5. Sorted Finances

The story of my savings can pretty much state the story here. There are loads of things that I would like to do here (like an SIP/Mutual Funds investment), but then either there is no impetus or the liquidity is always crunched. I hate myself for this.

6. Career which pays me in millions

The money that I make is roughly, very very less than what my fucking peers are making. Am I happy about the situation. NO. Is there any one I can blame for it? No. Only myself. My career has been a yo yo since the day I got married, and there is absolutely no one but my stupidity to blame for this.

7. Choice to retire

I am making the corpus but I have been told/seen- Lawyers do not retire.
PS: The corpus may not be enough.

8. Culinary Skills
Thank God this one is under my belt. I can cook. And cook damn well. I only wish, I knew how to chop the veggies too ;)

9. The ability to buy Groceries
Since I can cook, I can pretty much get by. Except I had grocery shopping.

10. Eat a Fruit a day
I try. I really do.

11. Still thin and Strong
I was never really thin, per say, but I was definitely slimmer, and at a much better space at the time I got married. That was almost 5 years ago. Need a revival here.

12. Healthy Hair and Skin
Still working. And the hairfall WONT stop.

13. Saree Sagas
I can tie a saree. I can carry a saree. And I love sarees. One more feather in the cap.

14. High Heels

Wedges are workable. Pencils upto 3 inches are still okay, but the 5 inch and upward battle has become a war. Flats, are the best bet, and the reason for the same: My weight.

15. A Louboutin Shoe/A timeless Piece
A timeless fashion piece which is not a rip off. Okay, I do have quite a few of BFF's label (and they are good), but one fashion piece/ bag/accessory from an established brand bought by my own money would just make me feel so adult.

16. Regular Medical Check -Ups
I am usually okay, and I don't hate going to doctors, but the regularity of the health check-ups could go up.

17. Making conversations
I know I can talk. But I blab. I still don't know how is it that someone who can blabber like crazy can't make meaningful conversations? I still don't know, how is it that things that make sense to me in my head don't make any sense to me when I speak them out! And you would think that wiseness comes with age!

18. Hangovers
They become worse with age.

19. Unwanted hair
Waxing arms and legs, and still the hair grown unabated. Now I even have chin hair to take care of.

20. Make-up skills
Another skill that I have learnt!!!! I do decent make -up, and spend money on it too. But still find it tedious to put kajal in the morning to go to work.

21. Travel Goals
My ponly foreign travel still remains - The Honeymoon that we had gone for. Of course I have been pining for a foreign holiday, but thank God to the travel bug, at least we travel in India.

22. A wardrobe
I have clothes. Most of them hand me downs and/or gifts from various aunts and my mother. Putting together a decent wardrobe is an expensive affair.

23. A happier me
Age has done exactly the opposite.

24. A more structured schedule and better time management
I am still running like a headless chicken at times, trying to co-ordinate things and micromanaging them. I would really like to sleep less, and be a tad bit more active. But alas, that is still far away. Far far away.

25. More independant
So, while I hail to be a modern woman, it is still really hard to shop without my mother/husband, and even harder to take minor decisions. A simple "what should we eat for dinner" is a three way call between my maid, me and then between me and the husband and then between me and the maid.

26. Less Anger
If only wishes were apples. Instead I am touchier than before.

27. A group of friends that are super solid and in the same city
There is a lot of ambiguity here.

28. An activity that I love and stick to
I dance. But- I still can't make up my mind about joining a dance class.

29. More patient
Work in progress.

30. Being Me and Knowing me
I really did think that I will have a very sorted life once I have adulted, and since by 30 you are officially running against your biological clock, you are an adult. But- forget being sorted, I think, my life is more complicated than ever. While I fend off the "why the dog and not a baby", from relatives and friends who are popping kids, I can't seem to figure out what is it that I really want. Life is a bitch, and I want to cry all the time.

***

These are my 30 things. And if you want you can pick this up too!

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
who is the fairest of them all,
not you my dear, 

Not you at all! 

You are short in height,

But worst of all you are, 

Short in sight! 

You call yourself kind, 

Look at the words you speak, 

Nothing short of thoughtless, 

And unkind! 

You say your heart is made

Of gold, 

But oh my, that gold is nothing, 

But only unreal! 

You say you love with, 

All your might? 

Maybe because love has, 

Finally made you blind! 

Listen my dear, 

Says the mirror, 

You are nothing but a blot, 

A fault, a tangle, and quite frankly, 

My dear, 

A very hard one to detangle! 

Rules are simple as that-

Don't gloat, or gloss, 

A heart with love and kindness, 

Has no dark. 

No strings attached, 

And giving being the default option! 

You are hopeless my dear, 

I hope you know that. 

But still come back to me, 

If you have changed! 

Look at me, 

And into your soul, 

Then ask the question, 

About the fairest in the world! 

Your 30th.

Since we were kids, your Birthday was always celeberated with a bit more fanfare. I always had mine at home, while yours were in Nirulas, at the Country Club. Or anywhere else that you had wanted them to be.
You are one of my biggest "What if" in life. There are times, many a times that I can't stop thinking about what life would have been with you around.
Tonight, we would have probably have a big birthday bash with you? Or would you have wanted a quiet evening?
Would there have been a special someone, and would there have been a surprise from him? Would that have been a combined effort?
Who would you have been?
The world has changed so much from since we had wanted to run away and make a world of our own. There are so many opportunities, and things are different. I can only imagine what you would have done with all the opportunities that are available in the world.

I can only imagine a life with you in it, because reality of that sucks, and punches me straight into my stomach. I wish wherever you are, you know, that you are missed. I may not say it, express it, but the one person who is the closest to me knows, how much I do.

Happy Birthday.
You are missed.

A fools love

It is often white, 

To hide your black life,

Often the easier way out, 

But a lie, my friend is just that, 

A lie. 

Sometimes it's blatant, 

The other times it is to hide, 

The truth in plain sight. 

Some say it because, 

Sheer habit trumps best of intents, 

Other claim they want you, 

To hurt less. 

Sometimes it is the, 

Demand of the situation, 

Sometimes it is just an, 

Exaggeration, 

Sometimes it is a fable, 

Other time a tall tale to tell all, 

But not the truth or the fact. 

Sometimes it is stretching, 

Too far, 

The other time it is twisting, 

The truth too out of proportion,

But still never the plain old truth. 

For someone like me, 

An easy and an emotional fool, 

Often the truth is moulded, 

Plain facts withheld or forgotten

To be told. 

A fool however remains a fool, 

Often overlooking the real truth,

Playing the trust game, 

Losing it badly. 

Misused trust, and misused sense 

Of loyalty. 

Questioning the fools worth

In liars life. 

Because truth, 

the fool was always told, 

Was a gift of trust, between,

People who love each other. 

But the lines have blurred, and 

The fool knows know more, 

If even though the fool is loved dearly, 

Then why the lies crop up? 

Is the fool loved at all? 

Or is that love- all but true? 

A fable? A tall tale or simply, 

A twisted truth. 

And fool sadly wonders, 

Does too much love and care too, 

Make people spin the stories? 

And pretend that the fool will always 

Be the fool, fooled by the people, who mean the world to the fool? 

Maybe the love is flawed, 

And it's only the web of stories, 

That keep it together? 

Or is the fool so unworthy of love and truth? 

To resolve or not to resolve, that is the question

I remember, when we were in School, the first set of discussions between friends was about the New Year Resolutions.
I just remember that. I don't remember the kind of resolutions that a school going kid/teenager would make. I mean, losing weight? Or I believe to study more and come first or something on those lines.

For the last couple of years (more like the adult life), the resolutions revolve around the weight and yeah the weight. In a workshop that I had attended about 2 odd years back, while the guy giving us the lecture was talking about goals, he said that our goals should be tangible, and hence imperative that we talk about it, or tell people what our goals are so that they can nag us to oblivion about them. So while New Year is usually a landmark day, when people decide that it is time for a new chapter and set out the resolution, I believe, that, the resolutions should instead be goals, and the resolve should be to achieve them.

Whether your resolve is out in the public, or is private to you, should be your own thing, really. I would not want to achieve a goal, any goal for that matter because of "what will the other person say", but should be my own. I should be my own judge, whether I fail or succeed. But, if your goals are achieved by being in the eye of the public, then, go that way my friend and if you want me to be the nagger, I will be more than happy (my husband, happier still).

But so far as I am concerned, my first goal is to make a set of goals, and then some how, any how, make myself stick to them. I think, my first goal should be to get rid of the Instant Gratification Monkey. And then I believe, that I shall be able to somehow reach a stage where I would be able to make resolutions and stick to them.

Though I do know that, I really do want to be a better person in 2017. Work on several things in myself to be that better person.

So here is to 2017, to new goals and a question of resolutions!

Lets Break the Patterns: Happy New Year 2017

And in a blink of an eye, 2016 is over.

It was like a terrible roller coaster, and it seems to have just intensified.

We welcomed 2017 in our "new house". Yup, another year, and another house. This time in south delhi, close to my office and in the area that I have grown up in. The weird thing though was that, I actually cried when I left my house in Gurgaon. It was/is a beautiful house. Spacious, and while it is close to the highway, it is just at the right distance from the noise, pollution and traffic. And somehow, the house gave me a sense of being close, yet far.

We are testing waters in the new house. The good thing though is- that the trend of family and friends visiting us in our house continues. We had friends over on the day/night we shifted, and have had people visiting us in the last week. Hell, even brother from Dubai dropped in last evening.
This is a trend that I hope continues.

While this is the trend that I hope continues, there are others that I hope to break this year. I have been trying really hard to break some of my habits, but I guess trying hard is not as good as accomplishing the goal is. It is trully amazing the amount of grit that I am trying to build in order to break the patterns and start anew.
There is one little thing though- While I am trying to control my anger and my impatience, I see huband sort of getting into the whole anger, impatience, irate zone at a drop of a hat. It may be me. But, then, I think that it is time that we both break our patterns.

I see 2017 as a year which will define our lives in lot of ways, and may also give us an insight to living in Delhi (proper). While I still feel the hang-over from 2016, and 2017 still seems on its way, all I can hope for is the best for all of us.

Here is wishing you all a superb New Year!

May 2017 bring all that you desire!

The World in 2016: Year End Saga (III)

The Government's deadline for the 50 days is coming to a close and while there are lines everywhere (yet again), the light at the end of the long tunnel is neither visible nor seems any bit closer. Today, while India coped with the ordinance that makes keeping of the old notes a criminal offence, the world in general is coping with the loss of two great artists- George Micheal and Carrie Fischer. 

2016 has been in general a year that has defied all logic, in all possible spheres of life, and not just here in India but all over the world. 

It has been a bad year. From Mohammad Ali to Fidel Castro to David Bowie to Carrie Fischer, some of the deaths had been in the offing, while others were just plain shocks. The New York Times says 

"The year 2016 saw the deaths of an unusually long list of political titans and sports icons, famous musicians and Hollywood greats"

On the other hand, as the whole world looked at America, the Americans (who call themselves progressive) proved otherwise and elected a business man, without any experience whatsoever, as their president. The world is still reeling under shock, and all they are hoping for is that the choice of Americans is right. The worst thing though in this election was the amount of interest and opinions that Indians had, on two presidential candidates, in a electoral system that they have no idea about.

Talking about opinions, 2016 has been a year of "trolls" and a lot of opinions. With each decision of the government creating ripples across the country, and affecting everybody without sparing the rod, the year saw too much of news, about the same issue, with no real concrete basis in the allegations. From the GPS tracker in the 2000 rupee note to why the PM is the best, and no one has any right to say anything against him, there were half baked, full baked and what not kind of opinions floating around all over social media.

Women of the world were aggressive about being heard, and while we had the bhoomata brigade fighting for gender equality in religious institutions, we also had the likes of Deepika and Priyanka taking over the international film/TV industry.

Another thing that had me cringing throughout the year was amount of cruelty that was being advertised on my timeline. The number of dog abuse and abandonment posts and news reports broke my heart several times and it made me wonder if we have shed whatever little was left of the humanity that we had?

As I write this, the news reports say that the PM will address the nation on 31st December, 2016, and I can only hope that he says things that benefit us, and not inconvenience us, again. His speeches have become like dictatorial orders creating panic.

All I hope is that when the new dawn in 2017 arrives, the world is filled with hope and happiness. I for one can't wait for 2016 to get over.

The Road to Self Discovery and Self Destruction: The Year End Saga (II)

I have been nothing sort of angry this year.

Ask the husband and he shall be happy to provide the proof.

The worst part of the whole me being angry thing is that I have no clue as to why am I angry. Okay, so not really. I know that there are various reasons why I am angry, upset and/or orritated almost all the time. But, what I don't know is, why am I heeding to the negativity of these things, and why can't I look beyond the obvious. Why can't I be a better person?

And guess what, that question right there, flares me up. It just fucks with my mind, because, ain't I a better person? No one is perfect, and neither am I.
But- am I not a better person already? I forgive, even when people walk all over me. I try to make everyone happy. I try to do everyone's bidding, and in all that, what I expect is truth, sincerity and love from those very people, I become the "not so better person" and then, this loop of "maybe I should be a better person" starts! And I get angry.

Then there is this whole baby issue, which is very intricately connected with a few other things that I can't really talk about here, but that also hits a raw nerve now and then, and then I am angry. Because, try as hard as I can, to curb the nonsensical thoughts that keep me on my toes, I just can't. I get anxious, because I don't get any answers, and then all I can think about is, how, our life is off track (till I read, some or the motivating memes/stories on facebook). The whole circle that it takes quite overwhelming and emotionally quite draining, and that makes me angry. And because this whole thing runs in my head, and spirals out of control, when I talk about it, I get angry because there is NO ONE who wants to understand me or guide me, or for that matter even sit and talk to me. So me struggling alone with the burden of this whole thing seems unfair. And thus I am angry.

I am angry generally at the world and at life, because things are just not falling in place. The amount of hiccups that have happened over the course of this year are enormous, and I can't seem to wrap my head around them. I have been so stressed this whole year, about something or the other, and that shows. In my general attitude, in the amount of effort that takes to infuse the happiness in me and the smile that stopped reaching the eyes long ago.

I know that I have issues. And that is something that I have agreed to, and have accepted. I also know that I need to work on all those things. But, I just keep wondering over and over again- Why am I so wrong? Do, only I have to really improve upon things?

As a gamut of emotions wash over me everytime I question myself, I feel more lost than ever.

And this year, I have been leading myself into a discovery to destruction pattern, over and over again, and I see no end in sight. Do I want to be less angry- Yes. Do I want be happier- Yes. However- Do I have to undertake this journey all by myself? Oh well, I don't know that! 

The "Demonitized" Winter: Year End Saga (I)

As the political will of a meglomaniac ruler of the largest democracy in the world unleashes the horror of worthless currency, and we are trying to make ends meet on the chillar that we have in our pockets.. the Winter has set in.

The last month of a very weird year is here and I have absolutely no clue as to how to react to this year end.

November this year marked the completion of 1 year since we have moved to Delhi, and things in the last year have changed drastically. Like, losing my grandmother, and the BFF having the cutest baby boy ever, and several of my girlfriends either getting pregnant or having babies.
Husband's friends too, having babies. We actually went to a baby function in Bangalore!

I had a lot more personal anguish this year, and while I have had several ideas to diffuse this anguish, my powers of procastination have over shadowed all the attempts that I had intended to undertake. I do want to break the mould in the coming year, I just don't how, as yet.

We travelled much less than what we would have liked to, but I cooked my heart out this year. Like really cook.

I think that I am batteling a weird mental state, where, I can't seem to go beyond the gloom and even when I am happy, I feel irritated. This is a new kind of me that I seem to be discovering this year. Ask the Husband and he would say that I have always been like this.

In just about 15 days the year will change, and I wonder, if the patterns will ever break? 

Dear Zindagi

Gauri Shinde is a genius.

When she re-launched Sridevi in "English Vinglish", she took the industry and the viewers by storm. The movie had only Sridevi as a "star", who was doing this movie as a comeback. Apart from that, there were the character actors, and a foreign star or two. But the movie was backed by powerful performances by all the actors but most of all it was backed by a solid story and great direction.

The story was so relevant. The dilema of a woman who is constantly battling with her battered confidence because of her lack of education/knowing english, it hits hard even to women who are educated, but decide to give up their careers for families! While that story was all about empowering the woman in you, Dear Zindagi hits a chord which no one is willing to discuss.

The story of DZ is about a girl, who is always angry, except when she is with her core group. She angry at the boys that she is dating, and she is angry at her parents. She hears about the "Brain Doctor" (BD) from a friend, who says that he needed to go see him not because he had to come out of the closet but because he needed to accept himself being gay.
The story then follows the journey of our protaganist with her therapist and the various bits of advisory that he gives her. And, while in our world of too much knowldege and opinions (and because I know that there is a psycologist/therapist, who follows this blog), there are people who are saying that "therapy does not work this way", all I have to say is that it is a movie and they disclaimed that it is a work of fiction and that they are not endorsing any medical advise. And from my limited knowledge I think the common thing is that- there is no definition of psycology and that each patient that a counsellor/therapist interacts with gives them a new insight, because we all are inherently different.
So that aside, in the movie we find that our protagisnist Kaira, has abandonment issues because of an incident etched in her mind and that is becoming a vicious circle for her. We see how in the sessions, our therapist Dr. Jehangir "Jug" Khan, pulls out a lot of wisdom, and helps her cope.

While the movie deals with only one of the major aspects of our lives "abandonment issues", I feel that it encourages the likes of us (the new age, always running) people to stop and evaluate our lives, to really think about things that matter and to let go.
And yes it does touch upon the chord of mind illnesses being a tabboo in our society and how it is time to really embrace our pshycological needs as a part of our health issues. In an interview that I read of Gauri Shinde, she empahsises on the fact that it is important to recogonize the fact that sometimes we are not okay. That we are emotionally drained and that too should be recogonized as a legit reason to stay home,

For someone like me, who does believe in power of therapy, because I have been through it, this movie really did tug my heart strings. It was not preachy, just practical. Alia Bhatt and SRK have given great performances, and if you really go with an open heart and an open mind you will come out with a lot of points to ponder, and some that you may want to really inculcate in your daily life!

So, go see this movie for a refereshing break from the usual cinema that you watch and for some life changing lessons, that you may like!

As the Season marks change!

Fall is finally approaching.
And with the way the weather is looking, winters are gonna be long and hard this time.

The best thing about being here in Delhi is that one can actually sense a change in the weather, and can feel the nip in the air, when one steps out in evenings. A general sense of happiness is slowly descending on the city, along with unbearable traffic!

With the change in weather, there is a change in our lives too.

A sudden action by a complete third party, had put us in a precarious position, and we had been struggling with the weight of certain decisions that had to be taken. And, today, all of a sudden, there is clarity, and concrete decisions have been taken.
And, now, life is going to change.

And this time round, when we were to take our decisions, we sought a lot of wise counsel, and I personally am very thankful to all the people, who have helped us out. Who have given their genuine opinions, and have also given us their valuable time by answering questions.

There is a sea of change that this Diwali is bringing for us.

And for the festival season, I hope and pray, that you all, my readers are graced with love, properity, happiness and contentment.

Happy Diwali!

When You are 30

In your growing up years, you realise that there are challenges everyday.
Every single day during the school days was comprised of, why is it necessary for me to sit and study academic books over and above the novels that I loved.
And in later years, it was always about the pressures of the high school, while I saw my sister sailing through it all (schooling system changed, and I was the first born, hence, experiment baby, and to give her some credit, she was better than me).

In class 12th, the sole aim of life was to ensure that, I somehow meet some sort of expectations of my parents, and through my college years, I breezed through academics (because I realised that I can actually enjoy studying), however, at that point in time, I had the boyfriend and how to ensure that I have enough money to keep on have recharges in my phone to get to talk to him. Other troubling aspects included my dance class promotions, fending off marrige proposals and wondering how in the world will I end up getting a job.

World was intact when I passed law; when I told my parents about the boyfriend/husband, and I got a job, which converted into firm practice. By the time I hit my quarter life mark, I thought that things were under control. I was this over-excited, ready to please the world, and eager to move forward in career phase. The marriage did sort of spin things out of control, and the expectations of "OMG, you have to be responsible for the husband and father in law" were gifted along with the entire band, baaja, baraat. I thought that I would be able to pull this. I knew the husband for a long time, and we had battled the odds in our relationship and whatever the worls had to say, love is enough. Our first fight happened, less than a month of being married. It was a bad fight, and it broke my heart. It also made me realise that 24x7 vs a weekend here and there are different things all together. And, for two years and 3 months, I shut out the "responsibility" part. I did, only as much as I could, and as much as I wanted to (to keep my own guilt at bay). It was still a lot of roses and less of thorns. Till, we had to move from the "sarkari" to the "bhada" circle. All of a sudden there was rent to be paid, and an FIL, who had too much time on his hands (though to give him credit, he steps back when he realises that husband and I are talking angry code words).
But that was in Mumbai and it was for 1 year only!

Today, we are here. It is going to be a year in Delhi, and I turned 30. And several people (older, contemporaries) have been commenting "ha", what is age? Just a number! I too was like, so what, I am just 30. It is the new 20ies! But, then, I guess life has a plan. And for all those years, that I have shied away and shirked away from responsibility, 30 seems to be the right kind of age.
Life decided, that enough. You need to start being an Adult. And no, earning money, and paying your taxes doesn't count. So, all of a sudden, there comes a curve ball and the last 3 (three) weeks, all I (okay, we) have been doing is going from one stress to the other, one crises to the other. Just when, we got one part of our affairs in order, wham, came one blow. The moment that got somewhat sorted, wham came another.
To add to that, all of a sudden, I have too much work on my desk (which is the BEST thing), but I can feel the burn-out. I can feel like life is looking at me.
I can feel that it is waiting. To pounce.

How does, 30 become such an "age" issue? Because, between 25-29, it is about getting married. Somehow, marriage is not such a big deal. But now, all of a sudden, all (okay, almost all) of our friends have babies. People who got married as late as 2 years after us have kids and, we obviously have none (Sugar, is of course an exception), and it is weird. My BFF has a small lil prince, and while I love him to the core, it becomes weird, because parents are parents, and even though they are cool, all of a sudden, they have responsibilities and priorties that go much beyond partying and other social engagements. Even as a BFF, you become secondary. Since you don't have a baby, you are expected to visit, and keep batting questions about your own plans. While you bat those questions with other questions or the usual "hmmm", your mind goes to the biological clock that is ticking, and your doctor and your mom's voice in the head. You know things have gone over and above, when your FIL tells you that it is high time that we plan, and you smile at him, and tell him that you can't do it alone, laugh it off and move on.
You are left to question every little action of yours, cringe at the thought of reaching out to certain people because you are snubbed, or told that you are inconsiderate. You think about several other things including about the "Me" times and the "Us" times, You go to the Durga Puja and when you try celeberating with your parents, you realise that they wont, or realise that the husband still can't have a comfortable equation with people who you are close to, and that you will forever be answering the questions about the "husband, who won't socialize" and the one who still can't buy a gift.

This turning 30 business, is not turning out to be pleasant. But one can hope? right?

Have you ever..

Sat and wondered, 

about how life is, and why, 

you are doing what you are, and,

why you are not doing, what thy neighbours are. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

why it feels like life is a roller coaster, 

when you hate the thought of getting on one, 

in the most loved theme park? 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

about why you believe, and why, 

despite it all, you have the faith? or, 

why in that Harry Potter series, 

it was only love which prevailed, and

why in real life, only persistence and will, 

will prevail. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

why despite your best intentions, 

everything fucks up, 

and why, just, OH LORD why, 

things never work in your favour. 

Have you ever sat, wondered and questioned, 

the beliefs that you felt were instilled, 

not by your family or friends, but,

by the self help book, which claimed, 

that the universe has it ways, and if you really, 

really want it, it will come your way. 

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

about, why are you always in a conflict, 

about why, you want your cake, and eat it too, 

about being jealous of people who seem to have it all, 

while you are still struggling, 

travelling 30 kms in one haul.

Have you ever sat and wondered, 

when you were told about being "lucked out", 

why is it that you are always out of luck, 

and even though you know that, 

there are ones in situations worse than you, 

you can't empatise, and still wallow about you! 

Have you ever sat, wondered, and hoped, 

that things will be set right, 

and life as we had dreamed, will, 

finally be realised, 

and all, will be okay. 

One can after all, sit, wonder, and hope against hope!

****

Have you ever sat and wondered...about why it is home that you always want to come back to,about how it is that kiss at the start of the day that lifts you up.about how that one tight embrace at the end of the nights makes everything feel worth it,about despite all the despair, it is only the love that helps you conquer it all?Have you ever sat and wondered, that you've probably lucked out on love.Love, that prevails.