The 2013 Closure Report

I think that everytime I write the year end post, it amazes me to no end that the year has ended and on the hindsight, I wonder wow, so much has happened in this year. And I survived.

The emotion does not change.

This year by far has been the MOST difficult year for me, in terms of both personal as well as professional growth. I was trying very hard to juggle between the roles of being a wife, daughter, daughter in law, sister, friend and a mom.  Most often than not, I lost my sanity. And, after a lot of deliberations and considerations, I decided that I need therapy. And, so, I got into counseling.

That has been the most valuable lesson to me in the entire year. That I am a human being and I am VULNERABLE. It is very hard for us as humans, especially for a person like me to accept that there are faults within the being of who you are and that it has to corrected. “Living in denial” probably holds true for me, and I guess one of the biggest achievements for me has been to realize that. Of course, I am working towards a new me but, it is a work in progress.. I am not perfect and I don’t intend to be either.

Another thing that I learnt this year was the impact of a “toxic environment” at work and the fact that it is the people who make the organization. I changed two jobs in this year. I left the law firm. I joined a corporate and now I am finally at a place where they appreciate my work  at work and the fact that it is the people who make the organization. I changed two jobs in this year. I left the law firm. I joined a corporate and now I am finally at a place where they appreciate the fact that people work and have a life outside work and I belong in a team (I have always complained that I don’t have a team that I belong to, and finally I am a part of team in a big organization, not a float resource).

2013 taught me to value money. I am very materialistic to say the least. And, I hate spending on things that one need not spend on. At one point this year, I had two jobs. And I hate to say this but I took up the second one because I wanted more money. It was something that I did like. But really like so much that I had to had to do it. It was being a recruitment consultant in a recruitment firm for their legal clients. Imagine the pinch I felt when I talked to these well placed lawyers younger to me or my age with my kind of experience earning atleast 5 times more than me. I know how much I have cried on those days.  Peace is an emotion I seldom felt during the last year.

I was like a ship. Struck in a big storm, and then losing my way completely.

 

2013 also taught me the value of friends. The best friend got married in all fan fare possible. And even though I reached about 4 days before the actual events began, I was totally engulfed in the preparations that went haywire. It was an experience that I would always cherish.

In Mumbai here, I think I have found a crazy friend, who is like me. Loves to chat and have coffee. Loves her diamonds and knows the art to chill. She was my accidental friend. We met on the Mumbai local. And rest like they say is history. She has helped me keep my preserve my sanity too.

Husband and I have loosely formed a group. And, I have thrown enough parties in this one year to make sure that we remain hooked to meeting each other.

 

2013 has made into a traveller. Husband is of course to be credited for that. We have explored the interiors of Maharashtra, made Goa into familiar holiday spots and realized that we both love to drive and take the trains rather than zip zap zooming in an airplane. Amongst the many resolves this one is gonna be my top priority .. to travel and see the world.. or atleast see the world that is around me.

 

My love for dressing up has increased, and I have come to realize that I need not wait for “occasions” to get ready and/or dressed. Each day is an occasion in itself and that I should look good.

 

2013 revealed to me that husband is going to be a great dad and I am an impatient mum. Sugar, bought what was lacking in our relationship. She bought a sense of being a family to just US!

 

2013 taught me about love. It taught me, how important it is that my husband wakes me up from my sleep just to turn me around so that he can put his arms around me and sleep. Of little things and bigger fights and of loving each other each day and wanting to kill each other each day. Marriage is nothing but a bunch of contradictions.

 

Whilst 2013 is coming to an end I realize that it was a cake walk. It was about eye opening , about love, friendships, and learning to be a family.

2014, I know for sure is going to be a lot more difficult in terms of life and coming to terms with life. All I can hope is that, the patience and the love continues to favour me and that I am able to cope with life as it comes.

 

Happy New Year.. Everyone ...!!!

The wheels of time have changed

On my way back from a long long break to Delhi.. My mind wanders.
I am in a train, so the time for thoughts to come and go is a lot.

So, the purpose of this trip to Delhi was My Best Friends Wedding. Finally, she too is married and right now as I write this, is on her honeymoon in hawaii.

It was a long.. Long wedding. 10 days, with breaks of course.. But 10 days nevertheless. I was running around and I was dancing. In middle of hardly eating anything, dancing away, getting the mehndi done, doing the last minute market  runs, reminiscing my own wedding, crying on her vidai.. The wedding festivities were over. The husband and parents felt neglected through these few days.  Poor husband got bored stiff. Hence, I think.. Now I will just ask him to come for the wedding day function only for any other and further close family weddings. Because I being me have to run around, and him being him was well not really in his place of comfort. 
The wedding was lavish.
Both the BFF and her husband's family are much better off financially than what we are.
We danced, made merry, and then suddenly we realised that it was time for to start a new life.
And then the third bachpan ka dost ki wife spoke, Ah, now all three of you are married. I smiled at the realisation then.
I smile, with melancholy now.

I tried to remember the years that we have been friends for.. Memories.. But we have spent so much of our lives together that there are far too many and too varied.
What I did realise was that.
We have all grown up. Now, we are out of the shadow of our parents, trying to make our relationships with a new family and in a new world.
Times have changed.

All I hope is that our friendship flourishes.

Looking Back.. The Anniversary Week Begins

Last year exactly at this time, I was gearing up for the first of the many functions that were going to begin for my wedding.
Tonight, I am sitting in my room. The Husband is out with his friends. The dog is sleeping and tomorrow is just another Monday.

Sometimes I remark that I had too long a wedding, it almost spanned one month and 3 cities. But at times like today, I feel glad that I had such a long wedding. I at least have more memories to cherish.

So a crazy year has gone by. A year in a different house, as a part of a different family, and slowly realising that you are also a different person altogether.
People say that a lot changes after marriage, I only wished and still hope that I am able to keep alive in me the pre-wedding self, whilst I discover the new grown up and a more mature post wedding self.

Here is a low down on the year of being married:
Whilst the honeymoon trip was good, the honeymoon period did not really last (between Husband and me, we never really had that whole honeymoon period gig, even when we were dating).
When the adults used say that "Shaadi koi khel nahin hai", I guess they said out of loads of experience, because marriage my dear readers is a very serious business with the tag of expectation attached to it.
It is a lot more about a lot of other things than the couple (In India, it is about the families more than the two people who are married to each other).

Also, marriage is a great teacher of and advocates "Letting Go", the anger, pride, ego and at times even things that make you happy.
Marriage teaches you the true meaning of "sharing is caring" and the exact definition of "Compromise".


But, Marriage also teaches you how one person suddenly becomes more important than the rest of the world, and how you strive to make that one person happy.
For a person like me, it also teaches you how to cook, clean, make a bed, and everything that a home maker can do.
Marriage teaches you togetherness and loneliness at the same time.

And above all it teaches you the true meaning of "Love".


Yeah, by now you all must have realised that so far as I am concerned the first year of marriage has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride, and there have been times that I felt like leaving it all behind. But then, something holds you on, something as simple as a fact that the husband usually has to crush me during the night in cuddle when he comes to sleep.

I am still learning and so is the husband. We have taken the added responsibility of the Dog, and suddenly we are also expected to have a baby soon too :P (I tell you the expectations).

But nevertheless, this is just the beginning of our lives together and this is amongst the first few milestones that we would cross together.. Here is to being married and to holding on.

Happy 1st Marriage Anniversary...

Platinum Love: Precious. Rare. Perfect

March, 2010

(phone ringing at 5 am in the morning)

Her (mostly asleep): Hello? What the hell.. is everything okay?

Him: I am at the Bangalore airport and I am taking the next flight out to Delhi.

Her (stammering and now fully awake) : Whhat? Why?

Him: I broke into your mailbox. And I know what you have been upto. I need to talk to you, and we need to figure this out. I’ll see you in a couple of hours. Connaught Place, Barista.

Her (head spinning): (a muted)  Yes.

(7 pm , on the same day, at a road not far from her house, it has started to drizzle a little, a cold rain)

Her: We need to break up.

Him: Fine, let me walk you to your house and give you a last hug at least.

(about 30 mins later)

Him: You are not the same person who I had fallen in love with 5 years back. You have been teasing me that my skills of wooing are rusting, I am going to win you back, and put that smile back on your face.

Her: (looking on; dumbfounded)

Him: And oh, those Anniversary Cards that you had sent me, I will only read them once we are back together. (Walking off)

**********************************************************

When I joined a social networking site (remember “Hi5”) in the year 2004, little did I know that I had just changed my life forever.

I was not a tech freak and I joined just because everyone was, and it  took me a lot of time to understand the workings of that site (trust me, it took me a lot of time to figure facebook too... ) and finally, I managed to join a book discussion group... there I bumped into this guy who had total outrageous fundas (mind you- It was the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown that we were discussing). It was amazing to find amongst the “will you fraandship me” boys, someone who actually had a sense of humour and an intellectual mind set. And after discussing Christianity , hinduism and what not, the proverbial friend request came and which was readily accepted by me.  And then there was not a day that went by when we weren’t talking online, from the walls of our pages, to the DM’s (or what they were at that time) to the chatting platforms; MSN/Yahoo, e-mails and finally the phone.

He is true blood bong. I am the hot headed Punjaban. He thanks to his Dad’s transferable job, has seen most of the country and has studied in 10 different schools. I on the other hand may have seen the country thanks to the love of travel, but was/am a hardcore Delhi ki Kudi. Plus, when we met (virtually), he was in Tatanagar doing his engineering, I on the other hand was gearing up for law school in the NCR region.

Seriously, what were the odds?

In an era where real friends and friendships were hard to come across, this was ‘net friendship’, how long would it last??

So, we are net friends helping each other out in our respective love lives. Decoding the proverbial “What does he/she means”.

After 3 months of hopelessly trying to decode the love signals that were being given by our respective “lovers” in question, whilst talking to each other for hours at a stretch resulted in the inevitable. And we realised that there was more to us than just being “Friends”.

There was one problem though:

We hadn’t seen each other. Oh yeah, pictures were there. But that was the time of low resolution Digital Camera, and lack of privacy settings on the social networking sites, that prevented the real us to come before each other.

But still, the twitching in our heart continued. The seemingly harmless flirtation over the phones and smses kept giving us the heart burnt. And then, finally on 14th February, 2005, we took the plunge. It took me less than 7 hours to say “I love you” to him.

The first 15-20 days we were inseparable, even though we were in two different cities , on an average we talked about 5-7 hours over the phone and then we were emailing and chatting with each other. And when the phone bill came- we were first amused, then shocked and then scared. It was then that we talked mostly through net i.e via email /chatting and ofcourse there were snail mails too and I used to go to a STD booth with 20 rupees with so that we could talk for 5 mins. ( Those were the times of super high  STD rates on cell phones).

The real test however was the “First Meeting”.

It was 8 months later that we met for the first time as a couple. I can still feel that moment like yesterday. The sparks just flew, with the very first handshake (We were too awkward to even hug each other). The chemistry was crackling, and everything was like it was meant to be.

The rest as they say is history.

For the 5 years that I was in Law school , he was doing his engineering for 4 of those. And at the first opportunity that he finally got a.k.a a job, he came to Delhi. [We maintained a 4 year long relationship solely via phones, snail mails, e-mails and a meeting maybe once a year for a weekend]. And thus started the most blissful year in our relationship, of stolen kisses, bunked college classes and dates in real life.

The shocker though came 11 months later, when better opportunity beckoned him to the IT city of Bangalore, and we were back to the square one. But, we were very confident. We had done it for 4 long years, we can pull it off again. Plus, I was just a couple of months away from graduating, and I could obviously start looking for a job in Bangalore.

So after loads of crying, snotting, and being upset and angry over fate and life, I bid adieu to my darling.

Then the over confidence in our ability to maintain a long distance relationship spoiled the party. A self destruct button was hit. And I cheated.

The irony being, that I ended up cheating him with another fellow blogger (Lets call him Mr. X), who I met online. I was no kid, neither was Mr. X.  

How things started to slide downwards, I don’t really remember, but I do remember, the guilt.

It was my own actions, which led to him wooing me back. And woo me back he did. When I broke things up after 5 years of being in a relationship, all I was asked for by him was to still let us be friends.

Even though it was awkward to be friends with your ex, it was probably the best decision that I took that year, and remained friends with my ex. He literally saved my soul. He became a friend all over again, just like we were 5 years ago. Whilst, on one side he was becoming my friend, on the other he started his mission to win me back by showing to me the facade behind the identity of the Mr. X. The lies and the stories that were made to mislead.

The break up lasted for 2 months, and even though we were back together, we were treading cautious grounds. Things were tougher than before. And he was still miles away.

Finally, he decided to move back to Delhi and in  August, 2010 he was back.

***************************************************************************************************

September 4th , 2010 (My Birthday Eve)

Him:  I need some change.

Me: Abhi?

Him: Your Birthday cake is here, and the guy doesn't have change.

Me. Okay. Here you go. (handing over the change)

Him: Come with me na..I’ll get lost.  

[In his defense we were at my Club, and it was the first time that he was visiting the club]

Her: We are at my Birthday party.. I can’t just walk out na.. take someone else na.. Please..

Him : Please..

Me: Grrr.. okay.. lets hurry it up.

[Now the main gate of the club, where the cake guy was waiting was beyond the parking lot. A good 5 minute walk from where we were. We reach the main gate and I scream at the guard for not letting the cake guy get in, scream at the cake guy for not carrying change and pay him off and start walking back.. I am in the front.. trying to navigate the dark parking lot in my heels]

Him: Hey, do you have a problem spending a few minutes away from your precious party and with me instead..

Me: (in a catch 22 situation) .. hmmm no… why? Its just that people will be wondering by now..

Him: arre 5 minutes is all I am asking.

We stop in the middle of the parking lot. Its dark. And I am wondering what is wrong with him. I am praying that I did not end up doing another fuck up.

He asks me to hold the cake for a bit. I set the cake - box in my hand, making sure that it doesn’t slip and avert my eyes for 10 seconds. I look back and he is not in front of me. I look around, and down and see him there, on his knees, with a ring in his hand. Proposing me.

Him: I know that we have been through a lot in the last couple of months. And right now also we are figuring out the nuances of our relationship all over again… But one thing that I know for sure is, that there is no one else who I would want to spend my life with.

Engagement at the Club 

I was proposed in a dark parking lot with my own birthday cake in my hand; after we had been through a break-up, make-up, what the hell is happening to our relationship phase… and the proposal was just how it was supposed to be “PERFECT”.

Today, we are married. And our actual, official engagement function happened in that club only.

He is still my best friend, my confidant, my life, my love .. the most, most precious part of my life, just like Platinum.

Precious. Rare. And perfect.

This is a part of my entry into the "Platinum Day of Love" contest by Indiblogger.

The reality bites

And often bites too hard. I wonder if you have felt betrayed by the reality of life.
I wonder if you have ever day dreamt yourselves into believing that all will be in sync.  That all will be,  well.

I hate being the pessimistic, negative thinking creature. But life is not giving me any reasons to really be optimistic.

I wish.

My lips like "Sugar"

I have grown up a year.
I am 27. Quarter life crisis are at their peak.
I am married. I have gained weight and I can't fit in my clothes.. :|

But, I have a husband who loves me like crazy. And he has added to the joy of being a couple..by getting us a golden lab puppy.

Sugar

Her name is Sugar... and she is naughtiest, the most troublesome little cutie pie that I have come across. She pees the whole day all over the house, and despite all that we do she poops in the house too. Husband and I are like these over fussy parents running behind her cleaning behind her and scolding her every time accidents happen. I get up at least twice during the night to check on her, and she has this weird habit of waking up at 4 am in the morning with an expectation that we will get up and play with her.

Both Husband and I are learning the nuances of parenting and above all learning major lessons in being patient with each other and being patient with her. And whenever I see him, cleaning up behind her.. holding her, loving her, being overtly protective about her.. I realise that, whatever he says, he is going to be an amazing father.
So, while, we are closing in on to completing a year of being married, we are re learning the lessons in unconditional love, in being care givers and above all lessons on being a couple all over. 

Time runs..

This weekend was  spent in Delhi. My home. With the parents and the sister and the super best friend.
The last four days were a whirlwind. And even though I did not call or checked in anywhere because I did not want to announce that I was in Delhi, I felt that the time just vanished somewhere.

This time more than ever, I realised that things were just as I had left them. Yeah, the dry cleaners shop has been renovated and so has the best friends house. But this time, it was mostly about sleeping and chilling the way I used to before shaadi.

There was a paath followed by langar in the colony gurudwara for my birthday. This happens every year. I stayed over at the best friends house and bitched all night long about everything under the sun. Something that we almost always did and still do over the phone. I had almost all my meals at home, with my grandmother checking on to me in the morning to wake me up. Something that was always the ritual. Every morning for as long as I remember, dot at 8 am on a weekday and at 9 am on a weekend, she barges on our room and tells us.. It's time to wake up. More so on the weekdays, because it's office for me. I mean had it not been for her, I would never reach office on time.

My mom gossiping with me.. Trying to fix the kitties and the school stories. Dad, talking about the court, about work and in general making sure that I do the work that I am supposed to.
All seemed like it was the way it has always been. I still called the husband at night from the bathroom. But, nothing was same and all had changed.

One time yesterday, I was on mom and dad's bed, sitting in between them, and sister standing next to dad leaning on his knee, and arguing with mom, while I am fiddling with me phone, and adding the fuel to fire in the argument that mom and sister are having. My dad was smiling away to glory and remarking, this feels so nice. And almost at that instant, I felt that nothing has changed and we are still in 2012.
But all has changed.

Time is running it's course and I am almost married for a year.

My homecoming is an event and even though I love the fact that mom and dad and everyone else makes or tries to make time for me, I can't wish being jealous of friends who have both their families in the same city. I need to learn to  balance. But, I don't know how to. Or like the husband would say, that I don't want to.

Seriously, the farewell every time is with a lump in a throat and the bitter sweet knowledge of the fact that,  while I leave parents, sister and a life behind. I also have the husband waiting on the other side to hold me in his arms as I mope because I am back.

Just perfect

A couple of years back, I tried to throw a birthday party, and it flopped. Hardly anyone showed and that was the end of the Birthday party at home.
The year after that, the party was at the club, with all the cousins and a few friends. It was also the birthday on which the husband had proposed me and like they say, sealed the deal.

And yesterday was a step further. I am cynical to say the least about my birthday  and this was my first in 27 years without my parents or couains or the BFF around. The thing that I forgot was that, it was also the first as a married woman in house with two men, and a husband who loves me like crazy, even though he drives me crazy most of the time ;).

From cards, to books, to a superb hand bag, to 4 cakes to awesome lunch and an even more splendid dinner at one of the best Coastal Restaurant in the country (Dakshin, ITC Maratha) and not just us, it was the friends and family that really mattered to me,  no to us. I was surrounded by love. And while we swapped our stories, about childhood, experiences and just the general banter we were being treated to some great food. My father in law and husband split the hefty bill and I sat there wondering why.
(One of my Dad's aunt yesterday commented that while I was turning 27 in the biological years, I was turning 1 year old in the new family, and just like the grand 1st birthday that my parents did for me, so was this Birthday grand in its own way..)

I being me asked the husband why.. And all he said was "if not for you then for who". And I cried, with joy of course.

I know that we have our own set of things and issues that we deal with everyday. And I have often been told and I also belive that relationships and marriages are not just two people being together.. It's always a work in progress. And while we invent and learn about the newest ways to make each other miserable by the virtue of being married..
These perfect days become the memories that I will treasure for the life to come.

Thank you my dear Patidev, you truly are a catch ;) and you are the best thing that has happened to me.

Just Another Day..

The husband has been telling me that I get really frustrated whenever we talk about my birthday. 
I told him that is not so. 
The reason that I just don't get excited anymore is because I can't deal with the disappointment that ensues after I get excited about something special.
The experience of the past says it all. Every time I expect, I end up being disappointed, and hurt.
So when it is alleged that I am frustrated.. It is not entirely true.
It is just the slight irritation at the fact that I am being told to get excited, when understandably thanks to the past I know that it will be just another day. 

Often the silence is an end to a relationship. To most it may heal.
To some like me, it may kill.

Lessons in Shaadi (3)

The lies that you are made to see before getting married.
The specials in the first year of being married.
If you marry a guy who doesn't believe on all of that you end up being disappointed most of the times and if you marry in an over enthusiastic family, then you are left overwhelmed with many a celebrations.
It's a two edged sword and You end up wondering where is the enjoyment gone.

Lessons in Shaadi (2)

You are often faced with choices during your marriage that leave you with numbness. 
You end up wondering if the person who is telling you to pick and choose is the same person you chose to get married to. 
But then mostly, for the sake of peace around you make peace with your own self, sacrifice, compromise and often just give in.
And the choice trust me is never the better desert.. It's a choice that changes your life and your relationship with the people who you know. Changing the dynamics of your relationship and dynamics of who you always have been.

Lessons in Shaadi.. (1)

Marriage and wedding are different. Choose marriage over wedding, always.

Is it just me

Or it is harder to express your feelings, the true raw kinds, that you used to before shaadi to your hubby after getting married.. If no, then tell me why am I facing this difficulty? Especially since hubby and I have been together for 8 long years..
And if Yes.. Then tell me has anyone tried to overcome this difficulty.. And how?

On Father's Day..

I think for a girl, there is no better prince charming than her Father. 

And, for me, I had the chance to be around four such amazing fathers. 

One was my grandfather. 

The one person, who was the epitome humility, love and kindness. THE one person in my life, who I really would fight to keep all to me. I miss him. 

And on days when I am in dilemma, and need guidance, I try really hard to think as to what wisdom would he have imparted me. 

Second was my tayaji, my father's elder brother, who taught us how to live life king size. To love with everything that you have. To celebrate life. come what may. 

I spent first 15 years of my life more with him than with my own father. He left us too young. But left us with memories that shall live in me for the entirety of my life. 

Third is my Uncle D, my fufa ji, we were and still are a little intimidated by him, and when he was in the US of A, we hardly saw him for more than a couple of days at a stretch in maybe once in two odd years, and then too, we were mostly interested in playing with our cousins than spend time with him. But, from the time that he has moved to India, and from the time, I finally started talking to him, I am in awe of that man. He is fun. He is serious. He loves to travel, and loves to take us out for coffees. I have not seen a man, who retired at a young age, so that he can help my Bua pursue her career. He takes care of the house. He flirts with my mom, and he hosted my mehndi ceremony, and has pampered me to bits. We don't have much in common to talk about, but, never have I seen him shying away from trying something new, from adapting to the world around him, and lighting up the room with his amazing cooking and personality. 

And, lastly, there is my Dad. 

More than anything else, leaving him behind to start anew, pains me to bits. Like I used to feel the pain when I wanted to with the hubby, I feel that same physical pain and pinning for him. Everyday. There is just so much love that he has, that, with open arms he has embraced me being in a different city. Even though, he jests about it. I know, had it been how he would have wanted, I would have been within 100 yards of him every day of his life. 

Even though, it is said that, the Kanyadaan means that there is the hand of your husband to hold on for the rest of your life, for me, my Father will always , always be that guiding light. My hero. I have not really rebelled him or his rules. I never could. Somehow, everytime I hurt his feelings by any action direct or ancillary.. it hurt me from within. I am strong, for him and because of him. And whatever little sensibility that I have, it is because of his genes. 

If there is any man who is perfect.. as a Son, as a Husband and as a Father, then that is him. I don't know from where does he get his strength to be the person who he is, but if I can be 1% of that person, then, I know that I have achieved something more than the materialistic aspirations of my life. 

And, if at all, I can hope for something is, that whenever we have kids, my husband becomes a father, like how mine is. 

Oh Gosh, sitting in a different city and continent (my parents are travelling), I would just give anything to go and hug him now. Love you, Papa. You truly are THE BESTEST.   

And to all the wonderful Dads around the world.. I am sure you are as wonderful and amazing to your kids... :) Happy Father's Day..

Rediscovering Blogger

And now I have an app for blogger on my phone :) 
That means I am going to atleast post more often :)

May-Day!

The entire month of May has (almost) gone, without me posting a single post.
If I say that I have been meaning to write, that would sound like an excuse to you, but for me that is the fact.. that I have been meaning to write. About what, that I don't know.

The social issues. The emotional issues. The relationships, the dynamics, and the changes.
Life in general, and life specifically fucking me over and over again.

I am coping. Pretty well.
Taking the help that is required to cope in such scenarios.

I miss being in Delhi, where the heat kills you, and not the humidity.
I miss being Delhi because of lack of doing anything better. I have no friends.
The brothers shall move out of the city by the end of summers. And, then, the moral support shall be gone too.

My best friend got lost somewhere, when he turned into my husband, and I am trying to find him.

Also, looking for the happily ever after.. any address?

Message..

Hey Fellow bloggers,

I am reading all the blogs.. but the IT policy makes it a pain in the ass to post comments. Will try and comment soon.

Love,
Me


PS: Too many things to share.
Hope to update soon :)

Just observations..questions and randomness

I wanted to give a prologue to this post, but then I typed and deleted content.. wondering how to start a conversation.. so, there is no prologue.. just random observations, questions and randomness in general... (I have too many things to say, to talk about.. but well, just can't seem to turn them into full fledged posts, so, just posting a couple of things that I have been thinking about lately..)

• So, I realised that, I am not too fond of change. (This realization should have dawned to me when I moved   to Mumbai, unfortunately, I am a slow kind of person). Or maybe, too many changes are happening, and I am unable grasp the situations and things that are changing. The change not only being tangible in nature, but also otherwise. I think, I look like a lost puppy even when there is a change in relationship dynamics caused by third party influences or sources or for that matter by a third party altogether. Like for example, I am sitting here in Mumbai, while BFF is getting prepped up for her upcoming wedding, and if at all I don't talk to her (either on FB, phone, or whatsapp..) I feel as if I am not being a good friend, and even worse are the times when I message her and there is no reply. If there is no reply, then I feel as I have done something stupid to offend her.. without realising that she may actually be busy. Busy with her Fiance, or her new family or just in office. I feel so much like an outsider in her life all of a sudden, just because I am in a different city, that I am left in anxiety. *Someone, something, put some sense back in me.. *

• I met this head of HR a couple of weeks of back, and it was fun chatting with this guy. He told me that he belongs to a small town and moved to Mumbai about 40 years back and still doesn't considers Mumbai as his home. When I told him that I am from Delhi and I recently moved to Mumbai, he said, I can understand that being in Mumbai would give you a cultural shock (This, when Delhi doesn't come in the category of a "small town" [no offence to anyone]) and I gave a confused smile back.. to which he replied, that "Mumbai is very mechanical" and that somehow he just can't digest that fact, because in his hometown, everything was different. To which I had to agree, that Mumbai indeed is very mechanical and superficial (in a lot of ways). And then came the shocker, when he said "I hope that you don't become a Mumbaite".. to which I replied "I have 26 years of hard core Delhi in me, being a Mumbaite will take quite a while, if at all that would happen". (Why this HR person is important, you all shall know, in due course). Nevertheless, the conversation left me uneasy about being in a city where emotions are superficial, time is a quantity that is rare, and travelling is nothing but a monotonous routine. And every time I think of this conversation, that scene from Munnabhai MBBS, when Sunil Dutt comes to Mumbai and a thief picks his pocket and he catches him, and how he threatens the thief to hand him over to the "Frustrated Mumbai Public" flashes before my eyes. Somehow, howsoever hard I try, Mumbai can't be home. And, well, I found a sorta of an explanation of my thought process in a blog post , which you can check out here---> "What is home in a connected age? "

• Did I tell you about my new friend? The one who I met while trying to tell help her find a train to her house, which is like 5 minutes from my house.. So, she has been my lifeline in a friendless Mumbai. She and I work also 5 mins away from each other and try to go back together. So, the other day we sat and had coffee.. and just chatted away to glory and then she showed me around the local market. The way she was talking to the shop keepers, reminded me of how I was when I was in Delhi. Well, she is like me in lot of ways. Actually, I see the carefree and the bubbly me in her :) .. gives me a feel good factor and at the same time a lump forms in my throat. 

• We threw our first ever "House- Party" on the 4th Month Anniversary, it was a huge deal for both Hubby and me, and we succeeded. :D Now, I really hope that I can call the family over soon :) 

• The Office both in Delhi & Mumbai has been in the buzz buzz mode, amongst my friends in Delhi, MAG has quit. So, that takes the count to 7 in the Delhi office. The promotions that were announced last Friday left a lot to be desired. And, that means, a lot more resignations are on their way. MDR was promoted again this year. SNM wasn't. And, that is really really a bad thing, because, a chappy, much junior to SNM, was promoted as a Senior Associate and he with 5+ years in experience has not been promoted. It is a huge hit to his self-esteem. Oh, and adding to the misery is the fact that the raises are not happening for the next 3 months. Also, the rumor has it that PC is looking out too, to move out. If that happens, then the Firm is gonna lose out on great talent. 

• I am going to Delhi.. alas just for 3 days, with the Hubby this time. And, I can't wait to be home, and meet my friends. Especially, the BFF and the girls from office :). 

• So, one day in the shower, this thought stuck me.. (the reason being the "Havell's" advertisement), that it is so difficult for the husband to understand that the wife wants to go as often as possible to her mum's house.Without offending anyone, I just want to say- That when it comes to the husband, it is very difficult for him make a decision to leave behind his parents and move to a different house (after shaadi, assuming that they stay in the same house after shaadi ), even more when it is the house where the husband has grown up.. similarly, when a a girl comes to the new house, one can't expect her to not be attached to her childhood memories and to the place where she has grown up, a place, which has made her what she is today. Even though, Husbands make fun of the wives running off to her own house often, and also enjoy the freedom, a lil understanding of this thought, will make em a lil more emphatic towards the wife and will also give a new dimension to the relationship.  

See, too many thoughts criss-crossing the mind.. some which have absolutely no sense at all.. the thing about life they say is, that it moves on :) 

So, lets hope that my mind clears and I have full fledged thoughts to put down in a post. 

Cheers till then :) 

 

First Quarter ..up..

April is already here. And oh boy, three months of the newest year are already over.
(I think every time April arrives, this exclamation of the fact that so much time elapsed invariably comes to our mind).

So, Holi came and went. It was the first Holi after shaadi, a rather mundane and forgettable affair that was. And a lot of changes are under-way, in life, in attitudes and being the person who I am.

Will update you all, soon.

Till then enjoy the heat :)

A tale of two girls

They were born 5 months apart.
In the same family but to different mothers.
They were polar opposites.
One was the dark beauty, the other a lil fair. One was an absolute extrovert and the other an introvert.
But they both had long black hair that reached below their waist.
They were in the same school, from the day that they started their education. In kindergarden, because they wanted new bags, they tore each others..
Not a festival or a birthday went by, without them being together.
They were "first cousins", but one look by a stranger, and they would assume that the girls are twins. Inseparable.

They both hated the fact that they were always protected. So at the age of 12, they decided that they would elope to South America as soon as they turned 18, and live with the freedom that they always desired.
At 15, things changed. Sorrow touched their soul.
At 16, the sorrow hit them again. This time at the magnitude that one cannot even imagine.
And finally, once the heart began settle, and come out of the sadness that they recieved, they decided once again to follow the dreams of their freedom. Of the shackles that the family had tied them into.
They changed their aims and their dreams, so that they could just be themselves and chase happiness over the family pressures of having a mundane and a usual career. The 17th year was finally the one where they were going to put their foot down, and finally live a life that they had dreamnt of together.
South America seemed a far away dream, but a hostel around the university seemed viable.
As they waited for their 12th Standard result, the plans of being independent were discussed in hushed tones and excited voices.
And then maybe a week before the results, one of them vanished. Left. Leaving the other in a lurch. In pain, and in utter disbelief that the one who she shared her soul with could break the promise that she had made.
The one left  behind looked for clues, re played the events of the night of the disappearance, wondering what went wrong. But, she had no way of finding the truth. The answers were hid. The questions buried and the family just increased the protection for the one left behind. The fence, while allowed her to breathe, was no longer her interest. She was left alone to fend for her freedom, and she did have the courage to break hearts of the people who were already crushed under the disappearing act of one of the two.
The one left behind, still looks for answers. Still cluthches to the hope that one day, her soul-mate, her sister, her friend and her confidant will come back and tell her that, she needed her space to sort her mind, and that she is back to take the other one away. 

Maybe

I should be a little more mean.

I would really appreciate if people appreciate when I go out of my way to accommodate them.
Mostly, in the aforesaid events I am called the fool because, I am the one who ends up getting hurt.
Why take a chance?

Right! 

Remembering my idol..

Yesterday, it was the death anniversary of my Dada ji, my paternal grandfather.
It has been 11 long years, since the day all our lives changed.
It was the year that, actually changed me as a person also. I had never experienced death so close to me.

I think that whatever little sanity that I have in me is thanks to my Dadu, and the fact that I think that I am a princess is also thanks to him.
He would never let me go to the kitchen, or be around things that were dangerous.
He used to take my to India International Center, for absolutely delightful lunches and fancy dinners in their dining hall, where kids were hardly allowed. I was always asked to behave like a lady. Till today, if by any fortune I get to go there, a lump always forms in my throat, remembering the great years of being simple and loving.
The fact that we used to go out of the city for "Summer Vacations", was also thanks to him. He loved to take us for holidays all over the northern part of the country.
He loved weddings. And my mum loves weddings. There is no second guessing, why I just LOVE weddings.

I never saw him raising his voice or his hands at any of his grand children, I have never heard that he did that to his children either. He had friends that were always for life. He wrote letters. Was fascinated by an electronic typewriter and absolutely amazed at "Cut, Copy & paste" feature in the computers.

No one in any corner of my immediate family or extended family on any side ever criticized him.. all of us have such fond memories of the times that we have had with him.

And, trust me when I say that, he probably would have been over the moon seeing me getting married.

I miss him.
And one of the thoughts that provoked me to write about him was..  (he used to always tell me to calm down ;))

A CUP OF COFFEE

An interesting fact of physics:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Hardly seems worth it, does it?

It is a supposed fact of physics but also a corollary of spirit.

Most fussing, yelling, and cursing causes far more harm than good and usually isn’t worth the effort. All of the good it does over the years probably isn’t worth a cup of hot coffee.

The next time you are inclined to huff and puff and blow off steam by raising your voice with five minutes of yelling at something or someone, remember with another 8 years, 7 months, 5 days,

23 hours and 55 minutes of yelling, you could have a cup of hot java.

Is the hot cup of coffee worth stirring up with anger? 

Coffee doesn’t hear you. People do. And it only takes one second of yelling to heat them up.

Keep your cool, coffee is not the only thing that’s ground up

What is..... Marriage?

It is 1.30 am at night. Husband is soundly snoring away by my side, while his left arm is protectively around my waist.
There is a glass of wine on the bedside table, and despite a long long day in the heat, I am wide awake. Yes, the wine was supposed to put me of to sleep.


I have been thinking a lot lately. About life, and what has changed
While the hubby still maintains that the 'I am married' has still not sunk in, I try to tell him off.
Tell him that things have changed and that he better get used to being ' married '

Which brings me to one of the things that I have been thinking about... About being married.. About what is it to be married.
It is definitely more than having the freedom to have sex.. Though the sociology books say otherwise.. And it definitely has a lot to put a smile on the face of the one you love.  About the things that affect you... Like the snoring bit.. I wonder if the nose strips will work the husband.
I often tell him, that the thing that I look forward to at the end of a hard days work is, his arms around me.. And honestly, the night I don't have his snores or his arms around me in my new house.. Sleep is difficult to come.

Marriage is also about compromises and eating your pride.. Your ego and being a bigger person, except that you being a bigger person would neither be appreciated nor recogonized .. It like one of those unseen, unconditional things that you want to do.

Marriage is also about changing your focus and about changing the perspectives that you have. The decisions are not just for you as an individual but affects the 'us' in the whole relationship dynamics.
Yes, every little thing counts. Including the excess baggage from your mother's house.

Marriage is also about the arguments. On issues that may or may not have anything do with you.. As an individual.

Marriage is about a lot of things. But mostly it is about the change that it brings to you.. The love that you thought was there, just increases. Out of where, it is unknown.
It is about, crying and laughing in the arms of the one you love.
It is about scratching your head over the grocery to be bought and the head massage with the hit oil.

It is not a holiday.. Not a phase of your life.. But it is about your whole life. A commitment going beyond the words of the prohit at the Mandap or the marriage registration certificate.
I have seen matches made in heaven go down the drain in the court.. The love lost somewhere in the battle of the alimony and the respect, well, none of that either.

I really don't have a conclusion to this post.. Maybe because it is the wine speaking more than me..
What I do know is., that marriage is about holding the hand of a complete stranger (believe me when I say, that even in a love marriage, the husband you discover is a lil different than your lover) and telling each other.. That the odds are stacked against us, but, now that we have each other to hold on.. Whatever be the odds.. Lets cross them together, lets just build our life piece by piece.. And enjoy the journey while reaching a destination.

March Update

Oh God, I feel like such a traitor.. I have not written a single post after announcing that I am not closing shop as yet.. Duhu!
But I have been on a roller coaster... here is an update on life.. in no particular order..

• I am alive. Yes. 
• BFF is engaged.. and hers was a process for about 3 odd months.. and then boom she tells me that finally all is settled. The wedding happens in December, and that means the entire year.. it is all about shaadi again. 
• BFF's engagement meant that I got a chance to go back home, to my mom's house. Somehow, Delhi is still more of home. 
• I met my friends after a long long time.. and had conversations. Talked about everything, nothing, about the gossip in office, to the married life, to home ad husbands and boyfriends.. 
• Had loads of GOOD food.. exclusive lunch with Dad.
• Got all dressed for the engagement.. looked really nice (My mom really liked how I looked and that is a HUGE certificate).
• Danced till the wee hours.. felt a little left out in the whole melee .. Husband was not there you see.. 
• Slept on my own bed. Slept till late. 
• Gave no care about "nashte mein kya banega"..
• Spent some quality time with my mom.. talked to her, like I have never talked. Realised that the bond and love changes after shaadi.. 
• Came back to Mumbai after 5 days.. and already want to go back.. 
• Office is crazy. 
• It is making me go crazy too! 
• Husband missed me, and showed it too :D 

Hopefully.. the post made some sense.. if it did not.. you can understand the after effects of a trip back home!!

Sorry - Not Closing Shop as yet..

And no, the last post was not a publicity stunt. (As a matter of fact, the "publicity", was the reason that I was thinking and rethinking about opening my thoughts here.. on a "Public Forum").

Am I scared..
Well, it is just that, the kind of emotions and thoughts that I portray here are absolutely raw.. (at times, I don't even spell check or grammar check the posts .. make that most of the time). I do not intent to hurt anyone but, there is always the sword of "what if.." hanging on the head.
But, I am not scared of people judging me by what I write.
People have misjudged me even when I am in front of them, and I am no one to influence anyone what they think of me. I am me. And, blogging is a way to preserve myself from being eroded.

I started blogging...
because at that time I was trying to impress my bf (then, hubby now), and eventually, I guess, I did take over him. I did guest blogs for him too at one point of time, and even though he is an author here, he prefers to put a guest post here and there...
And because he saw my enthusiasm towards blogging, he finally gifted me this url. Probably one of the most thoughtful things that anyone has ever done. Can't just abruptly abandon my gift.. can I? especially since I am the kind who preserves even the dinner bill stubs and wine corks if its a special occasion.

Like I have already stated, that there is no intent to offend anyone, and if someone feels bad or hurt, well, then sorry I guess! 

Last Post

And I am closing my blog!
I can't be politically correct all the time.
I'll read.
I'll comment.
What I will miss is the fact that I am also closing an avenue for making new friends.

I have found some lovely friends, friends for life.. I just can't deal with the concept of closed blogs, because honestly I myself don't like them myself. No offence to the ones that are invite only. Just my thoughts.

Maybe, just maybe I take up task and get the courage to anonymously start a new blog.. Till then adios. 

And I found my song

Keeping up with the tradition of Valentine's Day, I finally found the song to dedicate to my hubby. This one sums up the substance of my feelings for him.
It has been 8 years of togetherness, and, last night was amongst one of those nights where all we were doing were discussing cartoons and mythology that we were bought up on :)

It is in these moments that it is reinstated - about faith, belief and love. Amen, and fingers crossed!

Here is the song:

I Love you.. Jaaneman..;) 

Dependent

I have slowly come to realise that I am becoming dependent.
On people.
On thoughts, that refuse to shut up.
And most importantly on things that I should not be dependent upon at all.

I have started craving for moments and days when I start feeling like my own self.
I miss having my friends and family around.
I miss having the conversations with the bf. Now that he has graduated to become the hubby, things have changed. While the most comforting thing in the world are his arms around me, the conversations have ceased. The only time that I have had a "conversation" with him was, when I was drunk, and I don't even remember what I said.

I feel left out.
Left out of the lives of the people who mean the most to me in the world. Including the hubby. He looks stressed, upset and angry so much, that I actually fear approaching him with more of my shit. Considering that most of the time I am the reason of his bad moods.

I am lonely.
I have no one to talk to. Only a lot of superficial people, who are more excited about the next travel plans, the food plans or just any other plans.

I hate it.
The fact that I have no time for life. And that I despite almost 3 months, I am still coping up with the daily travels, and choking back tears every time I step out of home to go to office only realising that, I have to ENDURE another day at office after hours of work that I don't even like. Eat food that I don't like. Starting over and getting reprimanded for things that I never did get reprimanded for EVER under my previous partner.
Struggling to get the mind, heart and soul in one line and hoping that I do not have a breakdown.

 And because I am struggling to be happy myself, I can't seem to keep the hubby happy either.
This vicious circle, just won't end.
Or would it?
Or Would I become dependent on my sorrows and pain all over again to feed my insecurities? 

Happy Valentine's Day!

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same – only love." 

— Don Juan DeMarco (Johnny Depp)

That pretty much sums it all up for me.

I have no song to dedicate to the Hubby this year.. 

It is our 8th Love Anniversary, and the 1st Valentine's Day after marriage. 

Was this supposed to be a special day?

I thought so. 

And despite everything, I did manage to buy him a card. 

I did not even get an e-card from him. 

To be honest, this doesn't even feel like the Valentine's Day.

I hope you all had a fun & love filled Valentines' Day!! 

Here is to Love!